Troy The Parody Uncovered
by Banshee Queen
Summary: Parody of the movie Troy. Achilles the Tanned-Mooner, Hector who's Bad-Luck never fails to amuse & much much more. Humour gets better as the story unfolds.
1. Default Chapter

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ok guys the other day while watching Troy, I decided to try my hand at making a Parody of my own. Apart from Einmonim's side-clutching hilarious Parody (which to be honest I AM IN LOVE WITH!)I thoughtit wouldbeinteresting to see how minewould turn out so here it is. First two chapters a littleof a bore but as you go on, the humour gets better. Reviews would be greatly appreciated!"**

**Disclaimer: Me no own anything "Troyish" or anything to do with it. Only this. Lol.**

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**Troy Parody **

**as by the ONLY Banshee Queen **

**Shows map with screen subtitles.**

After decades of warfare Agamemnon, King of Mycenae, has forced the kingdoms of Greece into a loose noose.

Only Thessaly remains un-hanged.

**Fades into map & more subtitles appear.**

Agamemnon's surly brother Menelaus, King of Sparta, is weary of battle. He seeks to make peace with Troy, the most powerful rival to the emerging Greek nation.

**Fades to more subtitles.**

Achilles, considered the blondest warrior ever born, fights for the Greek army.

But his disdain for the Agamemnon's noose threatens to break the fragile alliance apart.

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ok stupid boring first chappie up, please keep reading!"**


	2. Chapter 1: Good Day for Buttock Groping

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ok Default Chapter out of the way, here's the first real chapter. Read, enjoy, review. Lol."**

**Disclaimer: "Do not, do not, do not own any Troy rights & all that.**

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**Chapter 1: "Good day for Buttock-Groping"**

**Agamemnon & Triopas's army assemble themselves. Both King's get down off their chariots to talk.**

Agamemnon: "Good day for the buttock-groping."

Triopas: "Remove your hand from my buttocks."

Agamemnon: "I like your buttocks, I think I'll stay."_(Looks startled)_Oh shit are you talking to me?_ (Eye's soldiers)_ I like you soldier's too." (_Winks at a random solider in the front-line)_

Triopas: "They won't fight for you."

Agamemnon: "That's what the Messenians said. And the Arcadians & the Epeians. And…Oh I can't be bothered, too many syllables to utter. Let's say your best man against mine."

Triopas: "And if my man wins?"

Agamemnon: "I'll touch not another cheek in sight."

Triopas: "Boagrius!"

_(Army roars & Boagrius comes forth)_

Agamemnon: "Achilles!

_(Tumble-wheat blows past. Triopas looks at watch)_

Agamemnon: "Dangit! Where is that blonde son-uv-a…?"

Rider: "I sent a boy to look for him."

**Scene changes to Achilles lying on rug, the messenger boy goes to touch Achilles hand but Achilles grabs boy's shirt.**

Achilles: "I was having a good dream."

_(Looks downstairs & grins)_

Achilles: "A very good dream by the look of things…"

**Achilles gets dressed & rides through army.**

Agamemnon: "I should have you whipped for your impudence you sexy sexy beast!"

Achilles: …

_(Achilles walks away)_

Nestor: "Achilles! Listen to me you peroxided bimbo! You can end this war with a swing of your peni…I mean sword. Let em' go home to their bo…I mean wives."

_(Achilles raises eyebrow at Nestor)_

Achilles: "Imagine a king who fights his own sexuality, wouldn't that be a sight."

_(Agamemnon & Nestor tilt heads to side)_

Agamemnon: "Damn! Look at those legs!"

_(Rider looks at Agamemnon funny)_

Agamemnon: "I mean damn I hate that boy! Aah forget it."

_(Boagrius throws spear at Achilles. Achilles kills Boagrius)_

Agamemnon: (_Muttering under breath) _"Hmph. Thinks he's so good…"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "I'm gonna' keep belting these chapters out so keep tuned guys."**


	3. Chapter 2: Woman in the Hills, Wolves in...

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Kind off peeved off about the fact that you can't have asterix's in your fanfics. So I've resorted to using brackets & high-lighting in italics.Very disappointing. I knowI'm whinging on but it's something I've just noticed. _(Grumbles)_Anyways here is the second chapter to my Troy Parody Saga."**

**P.S This chapter is dedicated to Jess, you know who you are even though you said to me: "There's gotta' be at least 1/4 of the population called Jess". So true Jess, so true. This chapter is dedicated to her because of her heart-felt pain of not being able to use asterix's in our fanfics. Lol. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own jack about Troy. Cept' my fanfic of course. :D**

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**Chapter 2: Woman in the Hills, Wolves in our Beds**

**Scene changes to Sparta where Menelaus & Helen 'salute' the Princes of Troy, Hector & Paris.**

Menelaus: "Princes of Troy, on our last night together me & ma girl Helen salute ya'll. I have always respected your father. Priam is a good king, a good lov…I mean king, king. Come & drink with me now coz ya' know I'm only tryin to spike ya drink & get ya drunk. May the gods keep the woman in the hills & the wolves in our beds."

Hector: …

_(Men cheer, music starts & dancers start dancing. Helen walks up stairs to her chamber. Paris follows. Paris locks door behind him)_

Paris: "Hey sexy."

_(Menelaus & Paris both scream. Menelaus covers self with dress & points right)_

Menelaus: "Next room idiot!"

_(Paris locks door once in Helen's chamber)_

Helen: "You shouldn't be here."

Paris: "That's what you said last night."

Helen: "No I didn't."

_(Image of Menelaus springs to Paris's mind. Paris shudders)_

Paris: "So that's what was up with the beard…"

Helen: "Last night was a mistake."

Paris: "And the night before?"

Helen: "I've made many mistakes this week."

Paris: "Well you're a sinful bitch eh? Want me to go?"

_(Helen takes dress off)_

Helen: "Shut up & kiss me."

_(Paris puts necklace on Helen)_

Paris: "Pearls from the sea of Hippopotamus."

Helen: "They're beautiful, but I can't wear em' aye. Menelaus would kill us both."

Paris: "Don't be afraid of him, just because I'M a coward doesn't mean you have to be one too…"

Helen: "I'm not afraid of being a coward, I'm afraid of tomorrow, I'm afraid of watching you sail away & crashing into an ice-berg. Before you came to Sparta I was a ghost. Then someone called Ghostbusters & vanquished me. But I was just Casper the ghost."

Paris: "You don't have to fear tomorrow. We'll travel & all that ya know. We'll have National Security on our backs all the time. But till' the day they burn my body, I'm gonna' scream & run like the sissy that I am."

Helen: …

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Hoped you liked that Jess." ;)**


	4. Chapter 4: We Need the Hottest Ass

**Author/Banshee Queen: "I don't know if anyone has noticed, but there is _another_ Troy Parody fanfic out there which is somewhat in some ways similar to mine but then again not. My dear & goodfriend _illigitimate luv child_, has also published her own version of a Troy Parody. I would just like to get out of the way if any of you are thinking that we have taken ideas from each other's piece's of writing & copied it into our own stories, then you've got the wrong idea. We have planned & shared ideas together, but each is to their own. **

**That out of the way I wanna' say that I've somehow easily turned Agamemnon into a horny bastard, real horny, which is kinda' scary." _(Looks around room nervously)_**

**Disclaimer: "Don't own jack about jack. Lol.**

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**Chapter 4: "We need the Greatest Ass"**

_(Menelaus walks into Agamemnon's hall)_

Menelaus: "I want her back."

Agamemnon: "Of course you do, she's a beautiful woman who can sometimes be mistaken for Achilles…" _(Drools)_

Menelaus: "Wha? _(Shakes head)_ Will you go to war with me yo bro?"

Agamemnon: "Sure sure whatever, just give me Achilles & Hector & I'll be a happy man!"

_(Whole court stops & looks at Agamemnon)_

Agamemnon: "Get back to work!"

**Scene changes to Agamemnon & Nestor bending over a table looking over a map**

Agamemnon: "I always thought my brother's wife was a brainless, dim-witted, big boobed, idiotic, peroxided blonde bimbo _(gasps for breath)_ and how right I was! _(chants)_ I'm gonna' control the Aegean! I'm gonna' control the Aegean!"

Nestor: "Ummm Aggy? I think you're forgetting Old King Priam & his hottie son Prince Hector who just HAPPENS to control the finest army in the East!"

Agamemnon: "I'll crush him with the largest army the whole darn world has ever seen! I want all the Kings of Greece & their armies of toy solider men!"

Nestor: _(shakes head)_ "One last thing, we need Achilles & that sexy sexy ass of his."

Agamemnon: _(drools)_ He can't be controlled… _(whispering)_ but just wait till' I get my hands on him…"

Nestor: "We don't need to control him we need to unleash him."

Agamemnon: "The man is a heart-throb & he has a great ass but he destroys every card-house I build! I build the future Nestor! Me!"

Nestor: "How many battles have we won by him mooning every solider in sight? This'll be a wicked war aye, we need the hottest ass!"

Agamemnon: "Aaah screw it. Call Odysseus, he'll be able to persuade that nincompoop Achilles."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Hope you enjoyed that folks. He he he."**


	5. Chapter 5: For the Trojans

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ok guys the next two chapters after this are gonna be short ones but the ones after that are heaps longer so stay tuned. I've already written up eight morechapters that are just waiting to be published, so don't go away!"**

**Disclaimer: "If Iowned Troy would I be wearing this oldT-shirt with holes in them? Yeah I didn't think so...Lol."**

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**Chapter 5: "For the Trojans!" **

**Scene changes to Phtia, Greece where Achilles & his cousin Patroclus practice sword-fighting.**

_(Odysseus & his men rein their horses in. Achilles throws a spear & hits a rider behind Odysseus. Rider dies.)_

Achilles: "Whoops my bad."

Odysseus: "Sup' man. Yo apart from killing my men I'm asking you to come to war with me aye. There be a lot of hottie's fighting."

Achilles: "Hector included?"

Odysseus: "Damn straight!"

Achilles: "I'm in!"

Patroclus: "For the Trojans aye!" _(Swings sword playfully at Achilles)_

_(Both Achilles & Odysseus raise their eyebrows)_

Odyesseus: "Dude you need to lay off that weed."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Sorry bout' the shortness, but I will try to post larger chapters."**


	6. Chapter 6: Against Motherly Wishes

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Very short chappie..."**

**Disclaimer: "Dont own nothin..."**

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**Chapter 6: Against Motherly Wishes**

**Scene changes to Achilles mother down by the water-edge collecting pearls.**

Thetis: "I'm making you another girly seashell necklace, like the ones that grown men are SUPPOSED to wear."

_(Achilles picks up shell. Crab climbs out & nips him on the nose)_

Achilles: "Aaaaaarrrrggggggghhhhh! Goddam son-uv-a…"

_(His mother raises an eyebrow)_

Achilles: "Tonight I decide, but even if you tell me what ma future is, I'm still gonna' go deliberately against your motherly wishes like the sexy, arrogant hero I am."

Thetis: "Whatever. Did I ever tell you, you were an illegitimate child?"

_(Achilles grumbles & stalks off)__

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Next chappie alot longer."**


	7. Chapter 7: Where Apollo Doesn't Shine

**Author/Banshee Queen: "He he he, I had fun writing that scene with Hector & Priam. And I love the fact that Apollo is silent yet commands obdience just by a ball of fire coming out of the sky to hit Hector. Sorry to any Hector fans out there, I am one too but this was just too good an oppurtunity to poke fun at our hunky-hero."**

**Disclaimer: "Ok I've starting to think I OWN Troy now...which I do...the Dvd I mean. Lol."**

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**Chapter 7: Where Apollo Doesn't Shine**

**Scene changes to Troy where we see Helen & Paris on a chariot & Hector on his horse behind them. They go through the city & finally reach the top where they are greeted by Old King Priam.**

Priam: _(With arms open wide)_ "Aah my favourite, first-born, heir to my throne son. Hug me!"

Hector: _To Paris_ "Can't touch this!" _(Dances around wildly)_

(_Paris goes to hug Priam)_

Priam: _(Looks over Paris's shoulder)_ "Next!"

_(Paris cries)_

Helen: "Hey there old guy! Whoa watch the hip!"

_(Nudges Priam. Priam nearly has heart-attack)_

Priam: "I've heard rumours of your beauty, & dang weren't the gossips soooooooo wrong this time girl!"

_(Helen frowns. Family goes inside building. Andromache jumps into Hector's arms & both start pashing madly.)_

Whole Court: "Ewwwwwwwwww! Get a room!"

_(Brieis runs down stairs to Paris & both start pashing)_

Helen: "Hey aren't you guys cousins or something?"

Briseis & Paris: "Uhhh…no…"

_(Both wipe mouths)_

Hector: "Hey she got the virgin robes on now! Dang! What's it like making love to a God Briseis?"

Briseis: "It's fun…I guess…" _(Looks at Hector funny)_

**Scene goes to Priam & Hector talking in a hall**

Hector: "Yo dad aye this is THE LAST thing we need right now."

Priam: "It is the will of the Gods. Everything is in their hands aye."

Hector: "Oh screw the Gods! Do ya' know what's in my hand? A Fist!"_ (Waves fist at the sky)_

_(Gets hit by lightening bolt)_

Hector: _(While rubbing arm)_ "Owwwww that hurt. Ok ok Zeus I'll be nice. _(Mutters under breath)_ Meanie…"

Priam: "Hey I know! We could send a 'I'm sorry' card to Menelaus & some flowers!"

Hector: "Awww geez dad you know he'll make guacamole with their eyeballs."

Priam: "Aye true dat boy, I guess we'll have to send her on a ship back home eh? But your sissy bro loves this chick for real, even though her breasts aren't."

Hector: "This is my country dad, & my country men aye, I don't wanna' see em' cry just so Paris can get Helen all to himself. I wanna' turn!" _(Cries)_

Priam: "Now now Hector what have I taught you about sharing?"

_(Looks limply at his father)_

Priam: "I give up. Anwayz, we're safe here behind our walls, Apollo watches over us."

Hector: "Really? And how many battalions does the sun-god command aye? By the time I'm through with this 'Sun-God' I'll have shoved my sword up where the sun don't shine! "

_(Ball of fire comes out of sky & hits Hector)_

Hector: _(Has third degree burns all over arms) _"Goddamit stop doin that!" _(Shakes fits up at sky)_

_(The Sun flares up unexpectedly)_

Hector: _(Says meekly)_ "Ok alright I'm sorry." _(Mutters under breath)_ Bully God…"

**Scene changes to Helen & Paris in their chamber. Helen looks out to sea.**

Helen: "They're coming for me. The wind is bringing them closer."

Paris: "Aah no shit Sherlock! What'd you think? They'd use they're oars?"

_(Helen turns to Paris)_

Helen: "Aaah yeah. Duh!"

_(Paris rolls eyes)_

Paris: _(Under his breath)_ "Whatever…"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "More long chapters coming up guys, stay tuned."**


	8. Chapter 8: Way to Ruin My Day Liposucti...

**Author/Banshee Queen: "The chapters after this one are a lot longer guys as I promised...AND...finally Jim your chapter has come! Thenext chapter is yours! Read on! Lol."**

**Disclaimer: "Would I lie to you that I own Troy? _(Winks) _Look at my eye, I'm winking." **

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**Chapter 8: Way to Ruin My Day / Liposuction**

**Hector is sitting on his bed holding his son Astyanax.**

_(Astyanax bites Hector's thumb)_

Hector: "Oww damit. Even my own son hates me. What next?"

_(Bell tolls. Hector gets up & goes to balcony)_

Hector: "Aaaw great! Way to ruin my day! Now I've got those bastard Greeks invading. Could my day get any worse?"

_(Storms off)_

**Scene cuts to Paris & Helen. Paris walks to balcony.**

Paris: "Shit they did use they're oars…"

**Scene cuts again to Hector down in the amoury**

Hector: "Hey man when is the army gonna' be ready?"

Lysander: "Half of our men are still coming in from sleeping in, we have to make their coffee, get them into their spanky pants, all that."

Hector: "Make it sooner dude or I'll take your spanky pants away."

_(Lysander gulps)_

**Scene cuts yet again to Achilles & his Myrmidons on their boat.**

Achilles: "Pull down your skirt aye Patroclus, you won't be mooning anyone while I'm around."

Patroclus: "Wha? Hey my buns are tight enough."

Achilles: "Not as tight as mine aye!" _(Moons Patroclus)_

_(Patroclus throws up)_

**Scene changes to Hector & his rearguard assembling themselves in front of Troy's gates to give inspiring speech.**

Hector: "All my life I've lived by a code, & the code is simple; rather like me!" _(Smiles toothy smile)_

_(Glaucus & Tecton rolls their eyes)_

Hector: "Honour the Gods, love your woman, & defend your- _(Bird poops on his shoulder)_

Hector: "Ok anyone got a Kleenex?"

_(Army rides off without him)_

Hector: "Guys! Wait up!" _(Rides after army)_

**Scene changes to Achilles & his Myrmidons on their boat.**

Achilles: "Myrmidons, my brothers of the tan." _(Myrmidons moon Achilles)_

Achilles: "I'd rather moon beside you than any army of thousands. Let no bum forget how tanned ours are, we've had lipo!"

_(Myrmidons shake asses)_

Achilles: "You know what's there, waiting, beyond that beach. MORE LIPOSUCTION! Take it! It's yours!"

_(Myrmidons shakes asses more)_

Patroclus: _(Shakes head)_

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Next chappie Jim..."**


	9. Chapter 9: Monkey Boy! Crush Some Grapes...

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Praise the Good Gods! Finally I've got chapter 9 written & published. Lol. This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Jim (who is a very talentedauthor here on Fanfiction. She goes by the name of_jimmieiscool7_). Anyway me & Jim have a little "inside joke" if you will call it that. Ignore all the monkey boy & crushed grapes bit to all of you out there who read this, but to Jim; read it, enjoy it, I hope you like it." :) **

**_"To Jim, may your grapes vine never taste of a smoothie filled with apricots, lemon, lime, strawberry, raspberry, & vanilla. AND...may it never be dry, smokey, & oakey...&barkey. :D This one's for you Jim."_ **

**Disclaimer: "I own crushed grapes...that I will admit to. Lol." :D**

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**Chp 9: Monkey Boy! Crush Some Grapes!**

**Achilles' & his Myrmidons land on the beach of Troy & are confronted by the Trojan archers & swordsmen. Agamemnon on his boat looks towards the shore & sees Achilles & his men fighting.**

Agamemnon: "The man wants lipo…"

**Scene changes back to Achilles & his Myrmidons who are now forming a protective wall with their shields.**

Achilles: "On my command!"

Eudorus: "Moon em'! Moon the bastards!

_(Myrmidons moon the Trojans)_

Trojans: _(Back away & shield their eyes with disgust)_ "Awwww, ewwwww, omg, gro- _(Trojans throw-up)_

**Scene changes to Ajax on his boat.**

Ajax: "Look at him, look. Goddam that man has a sexy ass." _(Looks at rowers)_

Ajax: "Row you lazy whores row! Greeks are mooning! Row!"

**Scene changes again & we see Hector on his horse looking out at the invading Greek ships.**

Hector: "Sweet mother of Jesus, so many!"

**Scene changes yet again & we see Achilles & his men moon their way up to the Temple of Apollo killing every last man.**

Achilles: "Ya'll know the Sun God'll kill me aye?"

_(Myrmidons nod in agreement)_

Achilles: "Go steal treasure."

_(Myrmidons looks limply at Achilles)_

Achilles: "Now…"

_(Myrmidons stand there still with vacant expression on faces)_

Achilles: "Sack the Temple!"

_(Myrmidons blink)_

Achilles: _(Sighs)_ "Go steal some treasure & if you get hit in the head with a ball of fire that means you've pissed off the Sun God!"

Myrmidons: "Oh…Yay!" _(Run into the temple)_

Achilles: _(Rolls eyes)_ "You'd think I was a leader or something."

Eudorus: "Yo with your permit Lord, I don't think stealin' is the best way to get in Apollo's good books aye."

Achilles: _(Chops off head of Apollo's statue)_ "How's that for permission?" _(Squints eyes then looks up after a moment) _"Aaah, isn't he supposed to hit me with that fireball?"

_(Tumble-wheat blows past)_

Achilles: "Awwww come on, give me a sign!" _(Waves arms up in air frustrated)_

_(Bird fly's past)_

Achilles: "Anything?"

_(Eudorus coughs)_

Achilles: "No? Well ok then." _(Walks into temple)_

_(Ball of fire comes out of sky & hits Eudorus)_

Eudorus: "Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" _(Squirms on ground)_

_(Achilles comes running out of Temple. Looks at Eudorus then points & laughs, clutching his tummy)_

Eudorus: "Help meeee…"_ (Falls unconscious)_

_(Hector & his men come riding up on their horses)_

Achilles: "Oh meeeeen! We have some guests coming to tea!"

_(Myrmidons come running out & groan. Achilles & his men run back into the temple. Hector & his men cautiously make their way up the steps of Apollo's temple. They see Eudorus lying on the ground.)_

Eudorus: "Help meeee." _(Falls unconscious again.)_

_(Trojans back away from Eudorus.)_

_(Once inside the temple both the Greeks & Trojans start fighting. Hector goes on alone into the shadows. A voice comes from the shadows.)_

Achilles: "You are very brave or very stupid to come after me alone. Hmmm, I'm guessing stupid."

_(Hector growls)_

Achilles: "You must be Hector." Gets up & walks into the light "Do you know who I am?"

Hector: "Pfft, f... if I know who the hell you are & frankly I don't care lipo-boy! These priests weren't armed & neither will you be once I'm finished with you!"

Achilles: "Oooooo feisty are we?" _(Winks at Hector)_

_(Hector looks repulsed)_

Hector: "Fight me!"

_(Achilles jumps onto alter holding sword towards Hector's direction)_

Achilles: _(Looks thoughtful)_ "Well I could if I really wanted to but…nah. Anyway no one would see you trip & fall over a rock like you will when you di- I mean…"

Audience: "Awww thanks Achilles just wreck the movie for us!"

Achilles: "Sorry, sorry." _(Walks outside of Temple)_

Hector: "Why did you bring you & your tanned perfected buttocks here?"

Achilles: "It's called liposuction! Geez don't you read Cleo?"

Hector: "Ummmm…no comment…"

Achilles: "That's what I thought."

_(Myrmidons surround Hector)_

Achilles: "Go home Monkey-boy! _(Prods Hector with a stick)_ Drink a smoothie, _crush some grapes_, oh well you get the drift. I'll be here tomorrow if you want a war."

Hector: _(Closes eyes & licks lips)_ Mmmmmm crushed grapes…_(Eyes flicker open & looks startled)_ "Aaah I mean, you speak of war as if it's a beauty pageant. But how many wives will wait at Troy's gates for husbands they'll never see again?"

Achilles: "He he, perhaps your bro' can love em good, I hear he's quite the rascally devil in bed…" _(Unconsciously fixes hair)_

Hector: "Well now that you mention it…_(Tightens belt)_

_(Achilles & Myrmidons look funny at Hector)_

Achilles: "Dude you need help, seriously man. The whole incest thing just does not work for me. I think you should leave."

Hector: "Fine! But when I come back, it'll be because I've killed your love- I mean cousin Patroclus!"

Audience: "Come on! Stop wreckin' this movie for us!"

Hector: "Whoops sorry, my bad." _(Walks off)_

_(Eudorus crawls to Achilles feet with third degree burns all over his body)_

Eudorus: "Yo you let him go?"

Achilles: "It's too early in the day for _crushing grapes_."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "So Jim...did you like it? Get back to me on that..." :D**


	10. Chapter 10: What's Your NameBitch

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ok I must apologize fora naughty word in the name of chapter ten. It was a bit rude but there is a good reason behind it, it ties in with a conversation between Briseis & Achilles. Again my apologies." **

**Disclaimer: "Ok I feel like I'm repeating myself here..."**

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**Chp 10: What's Your Name…Bitch**

**Scene changes & we see the camera moving across Troy's beach. Down below are men unloading stocks from the ships. A solider looks up at the camera.**

Soldier: _(Waves to camera)_ "Hi mum! Look mum I'm on film!" _(Waves at camera excitedly)_

_(Achilles walks along the beach making his way to his tent. Ajax calls his name & Achilles turns around.)_

Ajax: "I'm honoured to moon with you mate."

Achilles: "As am I." _(Looks at Ajax)_ "Dude put a shirt on."

_(Ajax walks off.)_

Achilles: "Yo Odysseus I think you need to get a check-up on the motor of your boat aye. Go any slower & the cops will arrest you."

Odysseus: "Meh I don't mind, I think you need to check the length of that loin-cloth you're wearing…"

Achilles: _(Under breath)_ "Pushover…"

_(Eudorus & Patroclus fall into line on either side of Achilles)_

Eudorus: "I've got something to show you."

Achilles: "Aaah do you think this is the right time?"

Eudorus: "Yeah why?"

Achilles: "Ummm dude we're in public. Don't you think you should leave this to later when we're somewhere private?"

Eudorus: "No why? I could show you right here if you want to." _(Eudorus starts unbuckling his belt)_

Myrmidons, Achilles, Patroclus: _(Wave hands in protest & look away)_ "No no no no no no no no no!"

Eudorus: Stops short "No? Well ok." _(Fixes belt)_

_(Myrmidons, Achilles & Patroclus all let out sigh of relief)_

Achilles: "Ok, now what did you want to show me?"

_(Eudorus starts unbuckling his belt again)_

_(Myrmidons & Patroclus procede to throw up)_

Achilles: "No no no no no! Apart from that Eudorus! Apart from that!"

Eudorus: "Oh, there's a girl in your hut we captured from the temple."

Achilles: _(Walking into hut past Eudorus under his breath)_ "Freak…"

Eudorus: "The men found her hiding in the temple, like the sissy scardy-cat woman that she is."

Briseis: "Ummm did it ever occur to you asshole that I AM a woman?"

Eudorus: _(Rolls eyes. __To Achilles)_ "They thought she'd umm, amuse you."

Briseis: "Amuse this…" _(Camera blurs Briseis' index finger)_

Eudorus: "Woman…" _(Walks off)_

Achilles: "What's your name bitch?"

Briseis: "Did you just call me bitch?

Achilles: _(Shakes head & rolls eyes)_ "Yes…_(Under breath)_ Bitch…"

Briseis: "Hey I heard that! Even the servants of Apollo have names."

Achilles: "Oh yeah? And what's yours? Bitch?"

Briseis: "You know you're soooooo immature!"

Achilles: _(Straightens)_ "No I just have the surety that I have the lead role in this movie, will be paid the most & have the MOST firmest, tanned & shapely ass! So there! Here I'll prove it!" _(Moons camera)_

_(Lens of camera breaks)_

Briseis: Shudders "Oh God…"

Achilles: "Yeah well he aint gonna' save you either. Don't need to fear me girl, you're the only Trojan who can say that, since you know you're the _only_ Trojan I'm gonna' bone…

Briseis: _(Looks pale)_ "The Sun God will have his vengeance for you killing his priests!"

Achilles: "Mmm hmm, you keep telling yourself that & you'll go crazy."

Briseis: "You wouldn't know anything about the Gods."

Achilles: "Girl I know more bout' the Gods than your priests, I've seen them & trust me it ain't a pretty sight." _(Shudders)_ "You're royalty, spent years talking down to men." _(Bends down to smell Briseis' hair)_ "Hey! Is that Herbal Essence I smell?"

Briseis: "Pantene idiot…"

Achilles: "What your name…_(Under breath)_ Bitch…"

Briseis: _(Rolls eyes)_ Briseis…bastard…"

Achilles: "Are you afraid…_(Almost says naughty word but Briseis gives him the evil eye)_ Briseis…"

Briseis: "Should I be?

_(Eudorus poke's head into hut)_

Eudorus: "My Lord the-

Achilles: _(Squints his eyes in disgust)_ "Not now Eudorus! Geez! How many times do I have to tell you I don't wanna' see-

Eudorus: "No My Lord, the kings are gathering for the victory & Agamemnon requests your presence."

_(Achilles slowly opens his eyes)_

Achilles: "Oh, ok. _(Shudders)_ God that's always death."

Briseis: _(Muttering under her breath)_ "Men…"

_(Eudorus shakes his head at Achilles as he walks off)_

Briseis: "What do you want here in Troy? You didn't come for the blonde did you?"

Achilles: "I want what all men want. I just want it more." _(Winks & pouts at Briseis)_

Briseis: _(Shifts uncomfortably)_

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Next chapter is a good one, it's long enough for my humour & if there's too much of that, I'm sure you'd go insane."**


	11. Chapter 11: Spoils of War: Urn Licking

**Author/Banshee Queen: "I really enjoyed writingthis chapter,the thing about the urn licking was thatIcould actually imagine Agamemnon doing that & thought that would be really funny to chuck in.God sometimes I crack myself up which is kinda' sad in some aspects.If anyone finds this too much, then bugger off. If only your mother knew...Lol.**

**Disclaimer:_(Askslike a dumb blonde)_"What's disclaimer mean?" **

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**Chp 11: Spoils of War: Urn Licking**

**Achilles walks into Agamemnon's tent.**

Nestor: "My dad Neleus, had this urn made to put my mum's ashes in when she died, it is very delicate & breakable so please handle it with care."

Agamemnon: "Oooooo such a lovely gift. Thanx a lot!" _(Throws into air over his shoulder where a servant barely catches it)_

_(Nestor's eyes widen in horror.)_

Achilles: _(Looks over Nestor's shoulder at Achilles)_ "Oh, it's you. Ok everybody bugger off I can't work in these conditions."

_(Kings of Greece walk off grumbling. Odysseus walks up to Achilles.)_

Odysseus: "War is young men dying & old men talking. You know this…_(in hushed voice)_ See if you can put something in his drink to make him sleep!" _(Walks off looking sheepish.)_

Agamemnon: "I understand you won a great victory today, though it wasn't over Hector I'll wager…" _(Licks lips)_

Achilles: _(Raises eyebrow)_ "No…but…"

_(Sees Agamemnon licking Nestor's urn)_

Achilles: _(Looks repulsed. Under breath)_ "Freak…"

Agamemnon: _(Looks up from licking urn)_ "You were saying?"

Achilles: "Umm yeah, the beach is taken, & so is the temple, take whatever treasure you want… _(points sword in Agamemnon's direction)_ but not the girl!"

Agamemnon: "Whoopsy's, too late!"

_(Aphareus & Haemon drag in Briseis.)_

Achilles: "Awwww dang, if you don't give the girl back I'll have to kill you guys. Decide!"

_(Solider's come running in with swords drawn.)_

Briseis: "Stop! Too many men have died today, & I don't want to be another one to add to your collection!"

_(Agamemnon, Achilles & Soldiers all stare at Briseis in disbelief)_

Briseis: "I mean, if killing is your only talent that's your curse."

_(Achilles & Solider's place hands on their hips with smirks on their faces)_

Achilles: "Aaah hello! Do I exist? What do ya think I'm doing here? Community service?"

Agamemnon: _(Tightens belt)_ "Well I could think of one thing…"

_(Achilles, Briseis & Soldiers all stare at Agamemnon)_

Agamemnon: "Aaah, I mean, Mighty Achilles! Silenced! By a slave girl. Tonight, I'll have her give me a bath, & then, who knows…_(Licks urn seductively towards Briseis)_

_(Briseis, Achilles & Soldiers look disgusted)_

Agamemnon: "Hey! Do you use Herbal Essence?"

Briseis: "Pantene idiot."

Achilles: "Oh man, you sack of crap. I mean sack of wine, before your time is done, I will look down on your corpse & smile!"

Agamemnon: "Oooooo, will you be looking down from sitting on top of me?" _(Looks hopeful)_

Achilles: "No! _(Looks disgusted)_ Ewwwww…_(Shudders then walks out of tent.)_

Agamemnon: "Meh, oh well, no one can say I didn't try."

Briseis: "Yeah & failed miserably…"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Gotta love my humour...Lol."**


	12. Chapter 12: Bird Signs As in Bird Poop

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ooooo I just love family love, dont you? Aren't Priam's sons sooooooooo hot? God they should win a bloody medal just for being hot. And I would be the one to pin the medal on them. (Lick lips) But you know what would look good on Eric Bana & Orlando Bloom? MEEE! Mwhahahahahaha!"**

**Disclaimer: _(Yawns)_ "Oh did you just say I owned something?"**

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Chp 12: Bird Signs…As in Bird Poop

**Hector, King Priam, Paris & whole court of men sit in long hall talking about war**

Glaucus: "If they want a war, we will give them a war. I would match the best of Troy against the best of Greece any day!"

Priam: "Glaucus, you have fought with me for god-knows-how-long. Can we win this war?"

Glaucus: "No army has ever been smart enough to think about using ladders on our walls. We have the finest archers in the world. And we have Hector! _(Winks at Hector)_

_(Hector throws up)_

Glaucus: "Hell yeah we can win!"

High Priest of Apollo: "I spoke to two yokel's today. They saw an eagle flying with a serpent clutches in its talons. This is a sign from Apollo. We'll win for sure!"

Hector: "Bird signs. You want to plan a strategy based on bird-

_(Bird poop lands on Hector's shoulder)_

Paris: "…Shit."

Priam: "Dangit Hector! Do I have to get the cane out to make you show some respect? This guy is a high servant of the gods!"

Hector: "And I'm a servant of Troy. I've always said my prayers before I go to bed, you know that. But today I 'attempted' to fight a Greek who chopped off the statue of Apollo's head. Apollo didn't burn him! Instead he burned his best friend! I mean come on dad, what the hell is our religion coming to?"

Paris: "There won't be a war. And this isn't' World War III. It's simply a cat fight between two men, naming the first, me." _(Smiles toothy smile)_

Hector: _(While wiping shoulder)_ "Oh God…"

Paris: "Yes I know what you're thinking Hector. A challenge would be a great idea. The winner will take her home, the loser will burn before nightfall."

Hector: "No I mean 'Oh God' as in I don't think this stain will come out in the wash unless I've got some Napisan."

Priam: "Could I get that in writing Paris?"

Paris: _(Looks fearful)_

**Scene changes & we see Paris & Priam sitting in a courtyard talking.**

Paris: "Father, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.

Priam: "Meh it's ok, the old knee has a funny way of poppin' out at the worst of times." _(Cracks knee back into place)_

Paris: "I love Helen like the bird's & the bees, & the flowers in the trees…"

Priam: "Ok please don't tell me you've become a poet. I couldn't bear to have a gay son…"

Paris: "Ummm…sorry dad, too late."

Priam: _(Throws arms up in the air)_ "Great! That's just great! What else could go wrong now?" Knee pops out of socket "Goddaaammmitttt Paris you irritating little beast of burden! I won't be fighting, but here's a sword you can amuse yourself with."

_(Chucks sword to Paris)_

Paris: "Whoo hoo!"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Keep on reading guys I'll just keep dishin' em up. I know how you kids like them' sloppy joes! Lol."**


	13. Chapter 13: Pepper Spray, Not Love

**Author/Banshee Queen: "This chapter was a little hazy for me to write, the "writers path" was all too clear for me & I had a little bit of difficulty coming up with something to write for this this chappie. Anyway here it is guys.**

**Disclaimer: "Do you see the "I own" sticker on that?"**

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**Chp 13: Pepper Spray, Not Love**

Hector: "The man who killed Tecton outside Apollo's temple…I've never seen a spear thrown like that, an impossible throw! Only a computer could digitally enhance that!"

Andromache: "Ya think? Don't go tomorrow! Please Hector! I'm begging you!"

Hector: "Down on your knees?"

Andromache: "Mmmm no."

Hector: _(Looks disappointed)_ "Ok. Well anyway Paris is going to fight… the little sissy. It's about time!"

Andromache: "Fifty thousand Greeks didn't cross the sea to watch your sissy bro fight. You know this Hector, unless you really are dumber than you look."

Hector: "He he he, yeah I am duh- hey! Wow honey, you're pretty smart. You'd make a fine general."

Andromache: "You've been fighting your whole life! Let other men go in your stead so you can stay with me…" _(Leans back seductively)_

Hector: Eyes boggle Damnit, why do you gotta' do that when you know I don't want to fight. I want to see my son grow tall. I want to see the girls chasing after him…lucky bastard."

Andromache: _(Shocked)_ "What?"

Hector: "Oh nothing…"

Andromache: "I can't lose you. I won't survive."

Hector: "Figures…"

_(Andromache grabs Hector & both start pashing wildly. Astyanax chucks lion ornament on the ground, leans over the rim of his cradle & throws up. Hector breaks the kiss.)_

Hector: "I must see Paris." _(Walks to door in a hurry)_

Andromache: "Ok if there's anything you wanna' tell me Hector now's the time to say it. I know there's something fishy going on."

Hector: "You smell it too? I thought I smelt fish." _(Walks over to bed & bends down to check under bed near where Andromache is sitting. Andromache closes her legs.)_

Hector: "Oh well its gone again. Maybe I should call a rat catcher in."

Andromache: _(Looks embarrassed)_

_(Hector walks out of his chamber then pursues a dark cloaked stranger out into the courtyard. He spear-tackles the stranger into the ground.)_

Hector: "Whoa! Sorry Helen, didn't see you there." _(Punches Helen's arm playfully)_

Helen: _(Starts crying whilst rubbing arm)_

Hector: _(Sighs then puts hands on hips)_ "What's the matter now?"

Helen: "I saw them burn, I saw them burning on the pyres. That's my fault. It is. You know it is. All those widows. I still hear them screaming. They're husbands died because I'm here."

Hector: "Helen, they were only pigs, & besides they were delicious. Anyway it was for your welcome feast."

Helen: _(Stops short & looks surprised)_ "Oh yeah! He he he. Sorry. _(Chuckles nervously)_ Well I better be going down to the ships now." _(Walks off quickly. Hector yanks her back with a long hook.)_

Hector: "Oh no you don't little miss blonde, you're not going anywhere!" _(Holds Helen firmly in his arms)_

Helen: "Hey what are you? Troy Security? Let me go!" _(Struggles against Hector's hold for a while but then stops when Hector brings out the pepper-spray)_

Hector: "Don't make me do this."

Helen: "Do what?"

Hector: "This." _(Sprays pepper in her eyes. Helen lets out a blood curdling scream. Hector quickly clamps a hand over her mouth.)_

Hector: "Sssssshhhhh! What'd you wanna' do? Wake the neighbours up?"

Helen:_ (Rolls eyes which are still throbbing & red from crying AND being sprayed with pepper spray.)_ "So I'm guessing its too late for me to go down to the ships?"

Hector: "Bravo brain-e-ac correct! Do ya think Agamemnon cares about his bro's marriage? This is about power, not love, though sometimes it is at first sight." _(Flickers eyelashes)_

Helen: _(Eyes widen)_ O-k well apart from that Paris is going to fight in the morning, I don't even think he knows what the word 'fight' means. Menelaus is bound to kill him. I won't let that happen." _(Grabs pepper spray out of Hector's hands)_

Hector: "Hey that's mine get your own! You're a Princess of Troy now, & my brother needs you tonight but not to take my pepper spray! You're rich enough to get your own!" _(Yanks it back)_

Helen: "Fine!" _(Walks past Hector a little too closely & quickly snatches it from his hands without him noticing.)_

Hector: _(To himself)_"I'm bettin' that woman has an IQ like Britney, got the whole package but is as dumb as a mule."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: _(Points sword in front of her)_ "Onward writer's haze!"**


	14. Chapter 14: Coffee Obeys

**Author/Banshee Queen: _(Laughs hysterically) _"I just can't get over the fact that I made Achilles act like he's got a gherkin thrust up his backside (he he he) or in other words like he's on his _'cycle'_. Anyway enough of my shockingly bad humour, on with the parody."**

**Disclaimer: "I CLAIM EVERYTHING! I OWN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING IS MINE! There, I said it. Lol."**

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Chp 14: Coffee Obeys

**It is early morning & the Myrmidons are getting ready for battle. Eudorus followed by Patroclus enter Achilles hut.**

Eudorus: "Dude wake up we got men to kill."

Achilles: _(Wakes up annoyed)_ "That's what I do for a living isn't it?"

Eudorus: "Yes but the army is marching don't you think we should?"

Achilles: "No."

Eudorus: "Well if you're going to look at it that way I guess I'll have to sing you a song my lord-

_Over hill, over tail we have hit the dusty trail as the mountains go rolling along __And it's hi hi he in the field artillery- _

Achilles: _(Through gritted teeth)_ "Kill the song Eudorus, I just woke up."

Eudorus: _(Stops short clearly disappointed)_ "Oh well ok, I guess I'll just go & hang myself." _(About to cry)_

Achilles: "You do that."

Patroclus: "Here buddy, a noose for you!" _(Thrusts noose in Eudorus' face)_

Eudorus: _(Looks annoyed)_ "Anyway as I was saying, the men are ready."

Achilles: "Dude you are really pushin' it. I'm boss around here & if I say you massage my feet, you massage my feet! Speaking of which…_(Points to feet)_

_(Eudorus groans & gets down on knees in front of Achilles feet. He throws up when he sees Achilles toe-jam)_

Achilles: "Really Eudorus its not that bad. Anyway, we stay till' Agamemnon groans to have Achilles back."

Patroclus: "Ummm Achilles, that's not a very good idea, you know that wine-drinking pig, he's horny from the time the sun comes up till' when the sun goes down & he wants you bad. Like really dude, its sickening."

Achilles: "Shut your pie-hole. Eudorus get out of my sight." _(Points to doorway)_

Eudorus: _(Gets up from massaging feet & places his hands on his hips)_ "Well my my my we do blow hot & cold this morning now don't we?"

Achilles: "You know what else I was thinking of blowing?"

Eudorus: "What?"

Patroclus: "Please don't answer that Achilles."

Achilles: _(Snaps)_ "Shut your face! Well I was thinking of blowing Briseis but…now I've thought of an even better idea. I was thinking of blowing you off this goddamn planet Eudorus with the tip of my boot! And where's my coffee?"

_(Eudorus stomps out of hut grumbling)_

Achilles: "Are you ready to fight? To kill? To take life?"

Patroclus: "I am."

Achilles: "No your not."

Patroclus: "Whatever."

Achilles: "At night I see their faces, all the men I've killed. They're standing there on the far bank of the River Styx. They're waiting for me. They say 'welcome brother'…& then they hand me a beer."

Patroclus: _(Looks suspiciously at Achilles)_ "Have you been into my weed stash?"

Achilles: "Maaaaaaaaaaaybe. Those bongs are wretched things. I taught you _why_ to fight but I never taught you _how_ to fight."

Patroclus: "Whaaaaaaaaa? You have been into my weed stash!"

_(Eudorus comes into hut with mug of coffee)_

Eudorus: "Here we are my lord, your coffee as you asked."

_(Achilles takes a sip then spits)_

Achilles: "No sugar!" _(Throws mug of BOILING coffee at Eudorus. Eudorus screams & tries to cool down scolds with jug of water)_

_(Eudorus hobbles out of hut with help of Patroclus)_

Patroclus: "It's that time of the month isn't it?"

Eudorus: "Yes, but I swear I don't know how he manages it, he's a man, or by what he has told me."

Patroclus: "Same."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "The upcoming chapters are gonna' be huge guys, keep tuned."**


	15. Chapter 15: Brave Offer For A Mint

**Author/Banshee Queen: "This would have to be the longest chapter so far in my Troy Parody. This chapteris long,but it's worth the humour. Please review this one guys. Regards, Banshee Queen. "**

**Disclaimer: _(Gobbles down Troy)_ "There! I own it! Ha!"**

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**Chp 15: Brave Offer for a Mint**

**We see Helen at the wall of Troy looking out for Agamemnon's army as are Troy's soldiers who are all assembled. Hector & Paris are sitting on horseback in front of the army**

Hector: "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Paris: "I started this war didn't I?"

Hector: "Yes you did & its' gonna cost me my li- I mean leg."

Audience: "Awww thanks a lot Hector! You really are dumber than you look!"

Hector: _(Chuckles nervously)_

_(Helen looks down at Paris & smiles, but her smile is interrupted by a blinding white light. Helen recoils & shields her eyes, Paris is down below maneuvering his shield with the suns rays trying to blind her)_

Paris: "Tee hee."

Priam: "Helen."

_(Helen turns around)_

Priam: "Sit on me."

Helen: "What did you just say?"

Priam: "Uhhhh I mean sit _with_ me. He he, yeah that's what I meant to say."

_(Sits next to Priam but edges to the edge of her seat nervously watching him)_

_(All the Greek armies put together pull up on Priam's doorstep. All the leaders gather to talk)_

Agamemnon: "I see you're not hiding behind your high walls, & we weren't smart enough to bring any ladders since they haven't been invented yet, but hey you've got the benefit of the doubt that I will bring you to your knees Hector." _(Winks at Hector)_

Hector: _(Looks repulsed & confused)_ "You come here uninvited to my birthday party, if I wanted you to come I would've sent you an invitation, but I haven't so piss off."

Paris: "It's your birthday?"

Hector: "Yes. Sweet 16 Paris."_ (Grins)_

Agamemnon: _(Licks lips)_ "Back to the subject- we've come too far to miss out on birthday cake now Prince Hector."

Hector: "I'm sorry I ate it all."

Agamemnon: "Oh really now? I'd like to see one solid piece of evidence."

_(Hector sticks fingers down throat & chucks cake up)_

Agamemnon: "Then again maybe not."

Menelaus: "Prince? What Prince? What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, smoke his weed, drink his booze & then steal his wife in the middle of the night?"

Paris: "The sun was shining when your wife left you, though I'm a bit vague as to where its gone now, probably shoved up some place where it'll _never_ shine again- Paris coughs 'Menelaus' arse'

Menelaus: "She's up there watching isn't she? Good. I want her to watch you die." _(Makes to lift up skirt)_

Agamemnon, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Hector, & Paris: "No no no no no no no no!"

Menelaus: "No? Well ok." _(Turns around)_

_(Agamemnon, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Hector, & Paris all let out sigh of relief)_

Agamemnon: "Not yet brother." _(Shudders)_ Look around you dude, I brought all the warriors of Greece to your shores. I have two wishes. If you grant them, no more of your posse up in da club will die."

Hector: "Mmmmm ok." _(Looks confused)_

Agamemnon: "First you must give the blonde bimbo back to my bro, & second you must spend one night with me."

Menelaus, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Paris & Hector: "Whaaaaaaaaa?"

Agamemnon: _(Stutters)_ "Uhhhh I mean you must submit to me whenever I call."

Hector: "Ok I don't like where this is going."

Menelaus, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, & Paris: "Neither do we."

Agamemnon: "I mean your army you idiot."

Hector: "Oh ok…no. You want me to look upon your army & tremble? Well I see them & damn they ain't pretty Aggy. I see 50 000 men brought here to fight for one man's lust."

Agamemnon: "Careful boy, my mercy has limits."

Hector: "Who you callin' boy?"

Agamemnon: "You."

Hector: "Aaaah that would be him." _(Points to Paris)_

Paris: _(Waves hand)_ "Hey I'm over here."

Hector: "Dude I've seen the limits of your mercy & I am telling you now with the uttermost promise that no son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler, no matter how disgusting his urges are!" Looks Agamemnon up & down then shivers

Agamemnon: "Oh well guess its down the drain for you & your posse."

_(Hector gives him an evil look then Agamemnon turns away)_

Paris: "There is another way."

_(Agamemnon turns around & Hector looks at Paris)_

Hector: "Oh God what now."

Paris: "I love Helen…I think. I wont give her up coz' she's my favourite toy- I mean lover- I mean she is my love & I love her."

Menelaus, Agamemnon & Hector: "Spit it out!"

Paris: "Anyway you won't give her up like I won't so let us have a little cat-fight. Whoever's got the most scratches on their face will burn on the BQ & the other will take the bit- I mean blonde home."

Agamemnon: _(Laughing)_ "A brave offer, but not enough." _(Walks away)_

Menelaus: _(Whispering into Agamemnon's ear)_ "Let me kill this little peacock. Let me hear im' squawk."

Agamemnon: _(Steps back from Menelaus)_ "I didn't come here for your Britney-clone-wife. I came here for Troy…& for Hector." _(Turns around & winks at Hector)_

_(Hector jumps back disgusted & surprised)_

Menelaus: "I came for my honour. His every breath insults me."

Agamemnon: "Yeah bro & yours is kickin', dude you need a mint or something coz' I'm dyin' over here." _(Waves a hand in front of his face)_

Menelaus: "Yeah sorry bout' that. Let me kill him. Then when he's lying in the dust give the signal to attack. You'll have Hector, I'll have my revenge."

_(Agamemnon turns head slightly & sees Hector doing his morning stretches, trying to touch the tip of his toes. His behind facing toward Agamemnon's direction. Agamemnon smiles)_

Agamemnon: _(To Menelaus)_ "So be it. Dude you really need a tic-tac."

Menelaus: _(Rolls eyes)_ "I accept your so called 'challenge' if you can even call it that. And tonight, I'll drink to your bones."

Paris: "Well why don't you drink now, there's hardly anything on me & I'm pretty sure by tonight there won't be left much _of_ me."

_(Menelaus smiles. Paris gulps. They both go to get their weapons)_

Hector: "Make him swing & miss he'll tire, he's so fat I'm surprised he can even move at all."

Paris: _(Nods nervously)_ "Yo bro I'm not really good at these unmanly speeches but hey who said I even was a man!"

_(Hector raises an eyebrow)_

Paris: "Ummm what I mean to say is if I fall tell Helen- tell her"

Hector: "I will."

Paris: "Don't let fat-boy hurt her. If he-

Hector: "You think of your sword & his sword & nothing else. And I mean _nothing_ else Paris, just for once get karma sutra outta' your head."

Paris: _(Nods nervously then hugs Hector)_

_(Paris & Menelaus fight. Menelaus cuts Paris' leg. Paris groans in pain & falls to the ground)_

Menelaus: "See the crows? They've never tasted Prince before."

Paris: "Yeah & it seems like you've never tasted a mint before either. Dude that is comin' off nasty!" _(Covers nose & mouth)_

_(Menelaus goes to cut off Paris head but Paris crawls away to Hector's feet)_

Menelaus: _(To Helen)_ "Is this what you left me for?"

Helen: _(Shouts out over wall)_ "Who's the fat one between you two? Ha? Answer me that!"

_(Paris latches onto Hector's leg)_

Menelaus: "Fight! Fight me! You coward! Fight me! We have a pact! Fight!"

Priam: "Fright him son, fright him."

Helen: _(Looks a Priam)_ "You really need to work on your grammar."

Agamemnon: "The Trojans have violated the agreement! Just like I do with every sexy solider I meet."

_(Army stares at Agamemnon in disgust)_

Agamemnon: "I mean prepare for battle!"

Menelaus: "This is not honour, this is not worthy of royalty! If he doesn't fight, Troy is doomed."

Hector: "The fight is over, & the only one who's doomed is your dentist."

Menelaus: "The fight is not over, stand back Prince Hector. I'll kill him at your feet I don't care."

Hector: "He is my brother."

_(Menelaus goes to kill Paris but Hector pulls out his sword & stabs Menelaus in the gut. Menelaus falls over & dies. Everyone sees & Agamemnon's cries for the army to charge. Agamemnon's army charges. Paris limps back to grab the sword of Troy)_

Hector: Shouts "Paris what the hell?"

_(Paris gets onto horse & rides to the gates of Troy)_

Hector: "Get inside Paris since you're too weak & dumb to lead an army."

_(Paris gives him the evil eye)_

Hector: "Archers!"

Odysseus: _(To Agamemnon)_ "Our men are too close to the walls."

Hector: "For Troy!"

_(Both armies collide. Lots of blood, lots of killing. Hector sees Ajax killing some Trojans. He rides off to meet him. Ajax knocks him off his horse. They fight. Hector stabs him with a spear. Ajax strangles Hector. Hector stabs him with sword, Ajax dies. Trojans cheer. More men die on both sides.)_

Odysseus: _(To Agamemnon) _"We need to retreat!"

Agamemnon: "My army's never lost a battle yet."

Odysseus: "You won't have an army wise-guy!"

Agamemnon: "Awwww crud, you're right. Retreat!"

_(Agamemnon's army retreats)_

Hector: "Fall back men!"

Lysander: "But my Prince, we have them on the run."

Hector: "We're in range of their archers dumb shit. Sometimes I don't know why I made you third in command."

Lysander: "I'm not third I'm fourth."

Hector: "Figures."


	16. Chapter 16: Achilles Is One Man & A Hot ...

**Author/Banshee Queen: _(Lets out deep breath) _"After writing a large chapter like that anyone would collapse & die. Anyway this is only a short chapter, short & boring. I apologize but this chapter didn't really have any work to "work" on if you get my meaning."**

**Disclaimer: _(Backs car over 'Disclaimer Warrent')_**

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**Chp 16: Achilles Is One Man & A Hot One At That**

**We see Agamemnon place two coins on his brother eyes. Soldiers are lined up then burnt on the pyres. The scene changes & we see Helen stitching up Paris' wound.**

Paris: "You think I'm a coward."

Helen: "Damn straight."

Paris: "For once you're right honey. I knew his breath would kill me."

Helen: _(Snores)_

Paris: "Aaaah forget it."

**Scene changes again & we see Agamemnon in his tent with Odysseus & Nestor talking.**

Agamemnon: "They're laughing at me in Troy. Drunk with victory! They think I'll sail home at first light."

Odysseus: "Maybe we should."

Agamemnon: "Flee? Like a whipped dog! _(Whispers)_ Ooooo I'd love to whip Hector!"

_(Odysseus & Nestor exchange glances & spit out their food)_

Odysseus: _(While wiping his mouth)_ "The men believe we came here for your bro's bimbo. The dude died of gingivitis, we won't be needing her anymore."

Agamemnon: "My brother's blood still wets the sand & you insult him."

Odysseus: "It's no insult to say a dead man is dead & good riddance!"

_(Agamemnon gives Odysseus the evil eye. Odysseus cowers)_

Nestor: "If we leave now we're screwed."

Odysseus: "Yeah if we stay, we stay for the right reasons pal, not your pride. We stay to protect Greece. Your little tittle-tattle hissy fights with Achilles are killing us."

Agamemnon: "Achilles is one man, & a hot one at that too."

_(Nestor rolls his eyes & chucks his piece of chicken on the ground in disgust.)_

Odysseus: "Hector is one man also. But look what he did to us today. He licked us, tasted us, chewed us then spat us out."

Agamemnon: "Hector fights for his daddy, Achilles fights for the right to root anything within a ten mile zone."

Odysseus: "Man I really didn't need to hear that ok. I don't care about what he fights for I only care that he can swing a sword & wipe out a whole army."

Nestor: _(Raises hand)_ "I vote Odysseus correct."

Agamemnon: "Even if I could make peace with him, the man won't listen to me. He's as likely to prod me with a stick as to spear me with it."

Odysseus: "Fine! I'll kiss & make-up with him."

Nestor: "He'll want the girl back."

Odysseus: "Really? I thought he was gay."

Agamemnon: "Me too. Anyway he can have the girl back. I haven't touched her."

Odysseus: "Where is she?"

Agamemnon: "I gave her to the men. Though I don't know if _they_ _know_ what to do with a woman."

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**Author/Banshee Queen:** **"Ok guys get saddled up, you're in for a wild ride next chappie...no not really, I just said that to get your hopes up. You gotta' giddy up & get back on that horsie!" _(Twirls lasso)_**


	17. Chapter 17: The Gods Are Coming Onto Me

**Author/Banshee Queen: "He he he, like I said last chapter get saddled up guys for_this_ chapter there are some raunchy scene in it. No not really, I blurred them out. _(Looks innocent) _No really I did."**

**Disclaimer: _(Burns Disclaimer Warrent)_**

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**Chp 17: "The Gods Are Coming Onto Me"**

**We see Briseis being thrown around like a beach ball between the men of Agamemnon's army.**

_(Briseis slaps a solider. He back-hands her. Achilles comes & rescues her from being branded like a cow & takes her back to his hut.)_

_(Achilles drops Briseis on a rug)_

Achilles: "Well now that that's sorted out…" _(Dusts his hands)_

Briseis: "Owww! Thanks…I guess."

Achilles: "Are you hurt? I watched you fight them you have courage."

Briseis: _(Shocked)_ "So you just stood there & watched & decided to step in once I was going to be made into a steak?"

Achilles: "Pretty much yeah."

_(Rings out a cloth & tries to wipe Briseis' 'chest region'. Briseis slaps him & Achilles chucks the cloth at her. She throws it back. Achilles picks it up & towel-whips her)_

Briseis: "Owww!"

Achilles: "Tee hee!"

_(Briseis wipes her face with the cloth)_

Achilles: "Ummmm are you sure you wanna' use that? Eudorus cleans himself _and_ my feet with that."

Briseis: "Ewwwww!"_ (Chucks cloth at Achilles)_

_(Achilles picks up platter of food & shoves it in Briseis' face)_

Achilles: "Eat."

Briseis: _(Looks at food suspiciously)_ "Nnnno thanks. I've known men like you my whole life."

Achilles: "No you haven't. For 1 I am way sexier & 2 those so called 'men' you knew weren't men."

Briseis: "Whatever. Soldiers understand nothing of war. Peace confuses them."

Achilles: "And you hate these soldiers?"

Briseis: "I pity them."

Achilles: "Trojan soldiers died trying to protect you. Perhaps they deserve more than your pity if you know what I'm saying." _(Winks at Briseis)_

Briseis: Recoils "Why did you choose this life."

Achilles: "I didn't. I was born & this is what I am. An illegitimate child which my mother continues to tell me everyday in her letters. And you? Why did you choose to love a God? I think you'll find the romance once-sided. That's why they invented dil-

Briseis: "Do you enjoy provoking me?"

Achilles: "Yes I do. You chose to serve the Gods right? Even Ares the God of War who blankets his bed with the skin of men he's killed?"

Briseis: "Yes. There's nothing wrong with a nice rug made of human skin."

Achilles: _(Sickened)_

Briseis: "Sorry, got involved with Hannibal Lector & since then, looking at human flesh has just not been the same anymore."

Achilles: "Figures. I'll tell you a secret…"

Briseis: "Ok I really don't like where this is going."

Achilles: "The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal. Because any moment could be our last. Everything's more beautiful because we're doomed."

Briseis: _(Yawns)_ "Could you tell me that later on tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?"

Achilles: "No! And anyways, you will never be more lovelier than you are now."

Briseis: "Ok are you coming onto me?"

Achilles: "No comment."

Briseis: _(Thoughtful)_ "I thought you were a dumb brute, could've forgiven- hey wait! You are a dumb brute!"

Achilles: "Does that mean you'll forgive me?" _(Hopeful)_

Briseis: "Nnnno."

**Scene changes & we see Briseis sitting over Achilles with a knife to his throat.**

Achilles: "Do it."

Briseis: "Do what?"

Achilles: _(Rolls eyes)_ "Look woman, I know you find me irresistible & putting a knife to my throat is only an easy way out to get yourself laid."

Briseis: _(Blushes then mumbles)_ "You'll kill more men if I don't kill you."

Achilles: "Many, even your cousin Hec-

Audience: _(Grumbles in frustration & annoyance)_

Achilles: _(Chuckles nervously)_ "He he, sorry folks." _(Looks back at Briseis & raises an eyebrow at her seductively)_

Briseis: _(Impatient)_ "Get on with it already!"

Achilles: "Fine! I was going to do the whole 'foreplay act' but if you want it that way…" _(Rips off Briseis' dress)_

Briseis: "Hey hey hey! Watch the dress Mr. Tan, these are virgin robes!"

Achilles: _(Grins)_ "Not anymore…"_ (Kisses Briseis & camera blurs out love-scenes)_

Boys in Audience: "Awww come on! We want a refund!" _(Storm out of cinema)_

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "I was only kidding, I wouldn't put those naughty scenes in, but to any who may have felt offended in any way I apologize for my _explicit_ scenes of a sexual act...not."**


	18. Chapter 18: Stop Stealin' My Lines!

**Author/Banshee Queen: "I am back! Life called so I had to hang up my Parody shoes for a bit & take the call. Don't you just love assignments/assessments/tests etc? Gee I know I do. _(Rolls eyes) _Anyway, the Eighteenth chapter has arrived, this one is not as good as my normal humour may be, but nonetheless here it is.**

**Oh and a little message to _Fanfiction's Antichrist_-**

**I wanted to thank you for your "cringeworthy effort" at a flame of my Parody. Fanfiction said something along the lines that you should appreciate a review froma reviewer so that it may help you in your writing. Your review pointed out that there are people in the world who would rightly so realise that jokes about gay men, hair colour & penises are stupid, but only to them in their opinion.**

**My author's notes said nothing of the sort saying that what I spew forth is bollocks, am insecure or "please like me for my cringeworthy effort at humour." If I was insecure why would I have vomited forth 17 chapters of pish? Oh wait...now its 18. **

**And as for my five 'idiot reviewers/best friends', they have the choice, & the _right_ to review my Parody if they want to. And as long as they continue to do so, I will spew forth more of this 'pish' as you so call it.**

**Oh and one last thing...I love you Fanfiction Antichrist...for bothering to look up 17 chapters worth of this pish. :D**

**Disclaimer: "I don't own Troy...except 17, no 18 chapters worth of cringeworthy humour, bollocks & pish of this Parody." :D**

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**Chp 18: Stop Stealin' My Lines!**

**Its morning & Achilles is sitting watching Briseis sleep. Eudorus comes into the tent ringing a large bell.**

Eudorus: "Wake up everybody up & at em'!"

Achilles: _(Grinds teeth. Turns his cup upside down & hits Eudorus over the head with it)_ "Are you crazy? What the hell are you doing you moron!"

Eudorus: "Owww! _(Rubs head)_ Geez sorry alright, how did I know you were going to have company." _(Gestures to Briseis who's face is now red with anger)_

Achilles: "Aaah weren't you the one who put her in my hut in the first place?"

Eudorus: "Good point. Odysseus is waiting outside."

Achilles: _(Groans)_ "Tell the men to start manual labour, we're going home."

Eudorus: _(Looks at hands)_ "Me? Manual labour? Pouts Oh you're so cruel!" _(Stomps feet then walks off.)_

_(Odysseus gets up to meet Achilles. Achilles is smiling)_

Odysseus: Sighs "What have you done now?"

Achilles: "Mmmm you really don't wanna' know."

Odysseus: "Good point. I'm here-

Achilles: "Let me guess; you're here to apologize on Agamemnon's behalf because of all the mistakes he's done so far in his life. Starting with number 1, bringing us here. What are you doing enthralled to that pig of a king?"

Odysseus: "Well actually I was thinking of seasoning him with some Rosemary, maybe a little-

Achilles: "No! I mean why do you follow the sun-uv-a- beeps bad word -around?"

Odysseus: "Meh I don't know. The world seems simple to you my friend but-

Achilles: "That it is Odysseus because I am simple." _(Grins stupidly)_

_(Hector walks on set)_

Hector: "Hey that's my line!"

Achilles: "Shove it daddy's boy, this is my scene!"

_(Hector walks off with shoulders hunched)_

Odysseus: "As I was saying, Ithaca cannot afford an enemy like Agamemnon dude, he's so fat he'd eat the whole bloody island!"

Achilles: "Am I supposed to fear him? Coz' really he aint goin' no where near these babies." _(Slaps buns)_

Odysseus: "We need you back…I need you back."_ (Gives Achilles a little too-friendly pat on the back)_

Achilles: _(Raises eyebrow in disgust)_ "Ok dude, I don't like where this is going, let me remind you that I'm you're friend. FRIEND Odysseus. Can you spell friend? Do you know what the word friend means?"

Odysseus: "Oh for the God's sake Achilles! I'm not coming onto you, I just want you & the Myrmidons back to fight for us ok?"

Achilles: "Hmmm let me think about it…aaah no."

Odysseus: "Oh well no one can say I didn't try.

Achilles: "Things are less simple today. Rather like me." _(Grins again)_

_Hector walks back onto the set_

Hector: "Stop stealin' my frickin lines!"

Achilles: "Beat it! This is my movie & my scene, so whatever I say goes, goes. As for you…go!"

_(Security guards drag Hector off set)_

Odysseus: "Yes woman have a way of complicating things."

Achilles: "Damn straight they do. _(Whistles)_ Should've seen the little fox I had last night, she-

Odysseus: "Dude no! Gross man I don't wanna' here about your sex life." _(Throws up into wine goblet then walks off)_

Patroclus: "We're going home?"

Achilles: "We sail home in the morning."

Patroclus: _(Puzzled)_ "But it is morning."

Achilles: "Good point. Man I gotta' lay off the coffee. Well we sail home tomorrow morning."

Patroclus: "Greeks are being slaughtered like pigs, rather like Agamemnon, but besides that, we can't just sail away!"

Achilles: "Look little brother from another mother, I know you want to fight & all but there will always be another war."

Patroclus: _(Looks annoyed)_ "Achilles, I'm not talking about playing war-tanks in the sand pit."

Achilles: "Oh he he he, my bad."

Patroclus: "These are our countrymen. You'd betray all of Greece just to see Agamemnon fall."

Achilles: "Someone has to lose."

_(Patroclus walks off pissed off)_

**Scene changes & we see Hector, King Priam, Glaucus, the High Servant of Apollo & the whole court of Troy at a council meeting.**

High Servant of Apollo: "Now is the time to attack the Freak army."

_(Whole court looks at HSOA)_

High Servant of Apollo: _(Stutters)_ "I mean Greek army."

Glaucus: "Their morale is battered. Hit them now, hit them hard- _(Winks at Hector. Hector once again throws up)_ -and they will run like Paris."

_(Paris walks past)_

Paris: "Hey!"

_(Security guards pull Paris away)_

Hector: "The Myrmidons didn't fight yesterday, maybe they had the trots."

_(Whole court throws up)_

Hector: "Nah I'm just screwin' with ya. But if we attack their ships they will stick together like play-dough. Let em' attack us. They're not smart enough to use ladders since they haven't even been invented yet, but nonetheless we will beat them back again."

_(Whole court tug at their collars)_

Hector: "Yesterday those little bastards underestimated us, let's not return the favour."

Priam: "Sorry son but I'm in a giving mood, prepare the army we attack at dawn."

Hector: "I hate you! You're the worst father in the whole world! I'm never talking to you again!" _(Hector throws hissy fit then storms off)_

Priam: "Well that went well."

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "Don't ask me where I got theidea to chuck in a few security guards, because I have no idea. Oh & Jim...you made them kiss! I love you! _(Squeals with delight)_**


	19. Chapter 19: Bitter Selfishness

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Wow wow wow it's been so long since last I updated. Along four or fives months ago I'm estimating. Thanks to _Queen Arwen's _lovely, humourous reviews (thank-you sooooooo much :D) & reading my dear friend's _illigitimate luv child's _Troy Parody which she has finished (BIG BIG CLAP, HUG AND CHEER TO HER:D) I suddenly felt exhilerated to pick up the pen (or keyboard lol) and post up another chapter. I'll admit it's not one of my best and even now as I write up the 20th chapter in the Parody, I'm still shaking off the cobwebs so it might take a while to get back into the rythm and beat of things again guys. So without furthermore delay, here is the 19th chapter in the emotional saga of my Troy Parody _"Troy The Parody Uncovered" (bows)._ :D**

**Disclaimer: "Do you think if I owned Troy I would be sitting here writing this fanfiction? I dont think so..."**

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**Chapter 19: Bitter Selfishness **

The morning after the Trojans play rolly-polly ball with the Greeks, we see Hector standing at the frontier of his battle-line banging his spear on his shield. The others soon join in.

Odysseus: _(Scrambling from his tent)_ "What the hell? It's Sunday morning!" _(Sees Trojan army) _"Oh yeah that's right, we had company."

_(Lots of fighting. Greek & Trojan army clash together. 'Achilles' meets Hector in the middle & they fight. Hector slashes 'Achilles' throat and stamps his foot into the sand when he sees who it really is under that helmet.)_

Patroclus: "Surprise surprise! Yours truly!"

Hector: "Damit! Jesus fuck! Of all the bloody men I could've killed, it had to be you! Ya little Greek punk! Achilles is gonna' have my ass for this!"

Eudorus: "You're damn right he will. Awww geez, now I'm gonna' have to clean up this mess! Hey wait, I thought he loved me!" _(Bursts into tears on the spot)_

_(Greek & Trojan soldiers all back away)_

Patroclus: _(Taps Hector's ankle) _"Uhhh hello up there? This cut is kinda' killin me so could you please hurry up and-

_(Hector stabs Patroclus and shuts him up aka killing him)_

Hector: "Enough for one day."

Odysseus: "Agreed dude, I'm already shittin' myself about what Achilles is gonna' do to me once he finds out I was here witnessing this. Oh and by the way, nice stab, you put him out of his misery."

Hector: "I what?"

_(Odysseus looks mortified)_

Odysseus: "It was his cousin numbskull."

Hector: _(groans) _"Awww now I'm really in for it."

_(Odysseus kneels by Eudorus who is still crying out his eyes)_

Eudorus: "What a tragedy!"

Odysseus: "Yeah I know what you mean. He was so young."

Eudorus: "He doesn't love me anymore!" _(Bursts into tears again)_

Odysseus: "What? Eudorus you nancy little- ugh fuck you." _(Walks off disgusted)_

Eudorus: _(Yells after Odysseus)_ "We were going to sail home today."

Odysseus: _(Turns around & yells back:)_ "Yeah maybe we should get your hormonal ass on a boat right this instant ya' little bastard!"

Scene changes to Myrmidon encampment with the Myrmidons removing their armour etc. Eudorus stops outside Achilles tent, we hear moaning sounds coming from the tent.

Eudorus: "Achilles."

_(The moaning doesn't stop)_

Eudorus: "Achilles!"

_(We hear a murmer of voices & Achilles comes out with a grin on his face, it disappears once he sees the Myrmidons.)_

Achilles: "You violated my command, and my fucking session!"

Eudorus: "No My Lord I would never- what?"

Achilles: "Never mind. I ordered the Myrmidons to stand down, you led them into combat."

Eudorus: "I didn't do jack My Lord, we thought you did."

_(The light suddenly flickers on in Achilles head & he wonders where Patroclus is)_

Achilles: "Where's Patroclus? Patroclus!"

Eudorus: "Dude, dude, dude, haven't you figured it out already? He's dead."

Achilles: "Dead? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Eudorus: "He wore your armour, your shield, even your spanky pants!"

Achilles: _(Eyes widen in horror) _"My spanky pants?"

Eudorus: "Mmm hmm."

Achilles: "That little bitch!" _(Pummels a fist into his palm)_

_(Myrmidons, Briseis & Eudorus look at him in horror)_

Achilles: "I mean you little bitch!" _(Chokes Eudorus)_

Eudorus: "Hector cut his throat! Not me!"

Achilles: "Whatever dude, it feels good to strangle an annoying little SOB like you." _(Sighs with relief)_

Scene changes to Troy where we see Hector leading Andromache down a tunnel. Hector stops at a door.

Hector: "Do you remember how to get here?"

Andromache: _(Looks excited)_ "Do I ever!"

_(Hector frowns)_

Andromache: "I'm sorry go on."

_(Hector goes to open the door but not before Andromache grabs his arm) _

Andromache: "It's a puppy! Please tell me it's a puppy! No wait, its an ensuite for both of us!"

Hector: _(Ignores her & opens the door. Its just an empty tunnel. Andromache looks disappointed.)_ "There are no turns so you can't get lost. Just keep walking. When you get to the end you'll be by the river-

_(Hector is cut off as he is pushed up against a wall by Andromache who is completely lost in the moment as she pashes him)_

Hector: "God this is why I love you." _(Continues pashing)_

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_**Author/Banshee Queen: "I'm not gonna' drag on about reviewing coz' I'm feeling like shit lately so- what? Huh? Oh sorry, got carried away for a moment there. Just review damit. :D**


	20. Chapter 20: Childish Games

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Whoooooooooooooooooooo! If you guys thought that Chapter 19 rocked, then you have no idea what I have in store with you for Chapter 20 and Chapter 21, this one isa crack-up guys & I assure you you'll leave this cackin' yourselves & clutching your stomach's from so much laughter. I laughed so hard writing this one up. So here it is. Oh & thanks so much Queen Arwen for your review. So true bout' Hector/Eric Bana being the sexiest hero. Amen to that!" :D**

**Disclaimer: "It's Homer you should be thanking not me."**

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**Chapter 20: Childish Games**

_(We see Achilles placing two coins over Patroclus' eyes & then climbing down the ladder from his pyre.)_

Agamemnon: "That boy has just saved this war…he he he." _(Whispers)_ "Now that Achilles is mourning now is the perfect time to-

Nestor: "Did you say something?"

Agamemnon: _(Stutters) _"Aaah no."

_(Scene changes again and we see Achilles looking into a fire. Scene changes and we see Hector looking like he knows tomorrow the fight between him and Achilles will be his death when really he is trying to block the image of Andromache lying seductively on the bed behind him calling to him to join her. Both heroes are in the act of putting on their armour when the scene cuts.)_

Achilles: _(Throwing clothes wildly about the room)_ "Where the hell are my spanky pants?"

Eudorus: "Aaah My Lord, Patroclus was wearing your spanky pants when he died."

Achilles: "Damit!" _(Pummels fist into palm) _"I knew it!"

Scene changes again. It's morning and Achilles jumps up on his chariot. Eudorus jumps on behind him _(cough)_.

Achilles: "No, not this time. Rope!"

_(Myrmidons and Eudorus look at Achilles funny.)_

Eudorus: "Aaah My Lord, isn't it to early in the day to be doing-

Achilles: "Geez does everything about sex revolve around me?"

_(Tumble wheat blows past, Myrmidons shift their feet and cough.)_

Achilles: "You know what, don't answer that."

Eudorus: "We weren't-

Achilles: "Shut up! Now hand me the damn rope."

_(Myrmidons and Eudorus look at Achilles funny again.)_

Achilles: "What do I blinkin' have to do around here for you guys to know I'm for once _not_ talking about sex or anything kinky?"

Eudorus: "Well you could-

Achilles: "Goddamit! Since you're all incapable of seeing me saying 'rope' as something kinky I'll use the usual term; **_rein_**!"

Eudorus: "You could've just-

Achilles: "Oh to hell with it." _(Rides off in chariot.)_

Briseis: "Don't go!"

Achilles: _(Halts chariot)_ "Oh for the love of-

Briseis: "Hector's my cousin!"

Achilles: "And you're only telling me that _now_?"

Briseis: "Umm, I guess so. Anyway he's a good man. Don't fight him. Please don't fight-

Achilles: "Look babe, you're bustin' ma balls here. I can't sit around the hut acting like the perfect little husband. It's not me. It's just not me. And I'm sorry that I couldn't make this work but one's gotta' do one's job and mine's killin."

Briseis: "But-

Achilles: "Oh whatever." _(Waves hand in Briseis' direction.)_

_(Trojan royalty move to the walls and watch Achilles scream Hector's name out…Hector kneels before his father sitting on his throne.) _

Hector: "Father…forgive me any offences. I've served you as best as I could." _(Priam kisses Hector's forehead.)_ "O-k that was weird."

Priam: "Hector. I don't blame your mother for walking out on us, she abandoned us both the cheating little bitch-

Hector: "Ummm dad? What are you trying to say?"

Priam: "Oh right, yeah that. Well you know no father ever had a better son."

_(Paris coughs)_

Priam: _(In a louder voice)_ "I said, no father ever had a _better son_."

_(Hector comes to reluctantly stand in front of Glaucus.)_

Glaucus: _(Pupils are grotesquely large and black)_ "Apollo guard you my Prince."

Hector: _(Disgusted) _"And, you…dude." _(Goes to hug Glaucus but then stops short.)_

_(Hector stands in front of Paris.)_

Paris: "You're the best man I know, coz' even if I even were one I'd still be the same shithead that stands before you now."

Hector: "Mmmm hmm. You're a prince of Troy, I know you'll make me proud…in some weird unknown way."

Paris: _(Smiles stupidly)_

_(Hector meets Andromache and their Astynax under a tower.)_

Hector: "Remember what I told you."

Andromache: _(Whispers)_ "You don't have to go, you don't."

Hector: _(A little louder) _"You remember what I told you."

Andromache: "Sheesh alright! Geez could you yell it any louder? My hearings bad enough already as it is."

_(Hector kisses Astynax on the forehead & then Andromache.)_

Andromache: "Hector…for old times sake, how bout' a last minute quickie?"

Hector: _(Weighing up his chances)_ "Yeah why not hun I mean this is the last time we're ever gonna' see each other."

_(5 minutes later and Achilles is still yelling out Hector's name…only now there are two people yelling out his name…)_

Achilles: "Wait a minute, what the hell? WHERE THE HELL IS HECTOR?"

_(Trojan royalty call Hector's name all over the palace until Paris shines a torch in a nearby guard tower.)_

Paris: "Aaah found em' guys and damn- _(takes a second, closer look)_ it ain't pretty."

_(Hector, Andromache AND Astynax their baby, appear looking disheveled. Even their baby who they forgot about and got lost in the "tussle". Hector goes down to the gate with his spear and shield in hand when he notices a figure out of the corner of his eye.) _

Hector: _(Looks twice & sees Helen) _"He-hey! Let me at her, let me at her!"

_(6 Trojan guards spear tackle Hector to the ground, trying to restrain him.) _

Hector: "I am a dying man and it's all because of that b- _(parody beeps out naughty word)_ standing over there!"

Helen: "Oh yeah? You wanna' say sumthin' you come over here Westside boy!" _(Gets halfway to Hector before she too is spear tackled into the ground by 6 Trojan guards.)_

Hector: "What the hell? What is this? WWF?"

Helen: "I guess so."

Hector: "Well whatever, look out comin' through. Dead man comin' through." _(Goes to walk to gate but then turns round' and makes a run for it to tackle Helen.)_

_(Next scene: We see Hector flying out head first through Troy's gates.)_

Hector: (_Gets up and brushes dust off. Flicks hair nervously towards Achilles direction.)_ "Oh…hi Achilles." _(Places hands on hips in stuck-up manner.)_

Achilles: (Nervously turning his shield behind him after he realizes Hector was watching him pick his teeth in its reflection.) "Oh…hi Hector." _(Places hands on hips in stuck-up manner.) _"Well I don't know about you, but I've been waiting here for about, oh let's just say…45 MINUTES in the hot and baking sun!"

Hector: "Umm, wouldn't you say that's doing you some good? Since you're always going on about your bloody tan and what not."

Achilles: "Yeah yeah yeah, well let's just get down to business."

Hector: "Ok fine. That's just fine by me."

Achilles: "That's fine by me too."

Hector: "That's fine by me too."

Achilles: "Well that's fine by me too."

Hector: "Well that's fine by me second."

Achilles: "Well that's just fine by me third."

Hector: "Well that's just- god this is so stupid Achilles, I'm not going to play your childish game."

Achilles: "Are to."

Hector: "Are not."

Achilles: "Are to."

Hector: "Are not."

Achilles: "ARE, TO!"

Hector: "ARE, NOT!"

Achilles: "ARE TO, FIRST!"

Hector: "ARE TO, SECOND- ugh this is just really lame dude. I've seen this crap moment in my dreams. I'll make a pact with you-

Achilles: "Dude, for the last time, I AM NOT GAY. Now would you just drop it."

Hector: "That's not what Eudorus told me."

Achilles: "What? How?"

Hector: _(Sighs)_ "Mobile phones, a thing of the future buddy."

Achilles: "Hey! I'm not your buddy…freak."

Hector: "What? Did you just call me a freak?"

Achilles: _(Imitates Napoleon Dynamite's voice)_ "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Gosh!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what am I?"

Achilles: "A freak!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what am I?"

Achilles: "A freak!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what- ok I'll just get to the point. With the gods as our witnesses, let us pledge that the winner will allow the loser all the proper funeral rituals."

Achilles: "There are no pacts between lions and men."

Hector: "Ha ha!" _(Points to Achilles)_ "Now you're the freak!"

Achilles: "Am not."

Hector: "Are to."

Achilles: "Am not."

Hector: "Are to."

Achilles: "Whatever dude." _(Takes helmet off & whips hair Charlie's Angel style.) _"Now you know who you're fighting."_ (Bats eyelashes)_

Hector: _(Is repulsed, shifts uneasily)_ "Umm ok, I seriously think you should reconsider telling people the whole 'I am not gay thing' when you're _seriously_ acting like it girlfriend." _(Turns palm outward into Achilles direction)_

Achilles: _(Snorts)_ "Well gee who's gay now?"

Hector: "Aaah, you!" _(Takes helmet off revealing a very bad case of helmet hair)_

Achilles: _(Points & laughs) _"Ha ha! Helmet hair!" _(Doubles over laughing)_

Hector: "Shut up! It's a serious problem!"

Achilles: "Yeah I can see that." _(Doubles over laughing again)_

Hector: "Ugh whatever. I thought it was you I was fighting yesterday. And I wish it had been you, but I gave the dead boy the honour he deserved-

Achilles: "You gave him the honour of your sword and now I shall give you mine!"

Hector: "Pfft whatever. I can see now the stereotypical image you Greeks possess."

Achilles: "Oh yeah? And what might that be?"

Hector: "Gay Greeks."

Achilles: "Wow, how very unimaginative."

Hector: "Yeah, kinda' like the chicks you bone after sacking a city or other."

Achilles: "Umm dude, the last chick I boned would have to be, let me see…YOUR COUSIN!"

Hector: "Oh…I…bitch! You're askin' for it now!"

Achilles: "Mmm hmm, and I thought that I was the one who was gay!"

Hector: "You are."

Achilles: "Shaddup! You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You'll wander the underworld, blind, deaf and dumb, and all the dead will know; this is Hector, the fool who thought he boned Achilles."

_(Hector's eyes widen in disgust, but not before Achilles' follows suit, just realizing what he had said.) _

Hector: _(Sighs & mumbles under breath)_ "And I thought I was the one who was gay…"

_(Achilles & Hector run at each other, Achilles hits Hector's shield with his own. Helen comes to stand by Paris, Paris looks at Helen and they both immediately start pashing. Hector and Achilles keep fighting, Achilles knocks hector back a few times. Paris starts hyperventilating whilst watching the duel. Hector slices Achilles armour down the middle, it falls to the ground.)_

Achilles: _(Eyes Hector cheekily)_ "And I thought I was the one who was gay…"

_(Hector throws up on the spot…for the twenty-fifth time in this whole Parody. Achilles kicks Hector and sends him 'flying' over a stone. Helen turns away. Priam wakes up from his afternoon nap and actually starts to watch his son fight. Andromache starts hyperventilating/crying.)_

Achilles: "Get up Prince of Troy. Get up. I won't let a stone take my glory."

(_Hector rolls his eyes and gets sliced in the leg by Achilles for his trouble. Achilles finally stabs Hector. Hector is on his knees in the dirt. Priam and Glaucus both squint in the afternoon sun. Paris bursts into tears, wailing loudly. Andromache and Helen both gasp, Helen lays her head on Andromache's shoulder and somehow her lips find her mouth…Achilles ties up Hector's feet to his chariot and rides off.)_

Achilles: "Whoops, watch out Hector, there's a speed bump comin' up."

_(Achilles arrives back in the Grecian camp. He drags Hector's body up the sand and stops at his hut.)_

Achilles: _(To Eudorus)_ "Get a fire going."

Eudorus: _(Mortified)_ "WHAT?"

Achilles: "Ugh you know what to do."

_(Achilles appears in the doorway of the hut. Briseis on catching sight of him, immediately bursts into tears.)_

_(Scene changes and we see Briseis sitting in the dark moping. Achilles is sharpening his sword.)_

Briseis: "You're not going to use that on Hector are you?"

Achilles: _(Ignores her)_

Briseis: "You lost your cousin. Now you've taken mine."

Achilles: "Gee ya' think?"

Briseis: "When does it end?"

Achilles: "It never ends." _(Watches Briseis leave & mutters under breath) _"Woman…"

Briseis: _(From outside hut)_ "I heard that!"

Achilles: "Yeah go jump!"

Briseis: "You first!"

Achilles: _(Is surprised) _"I never thought of that before…"

Briseis: _(From outside tent)_ "Men…"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "As the author of this Parody I order you to review! Give me a review guys, please, it's what keeps me going." :)**


	21. Chapter 21: Shit Set Of Morals

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Ha ha! I did keep to my promise didn't I? Well I'm 1 day later with this chappie but oh well. Chapter 22 is currently in the works right now as your eyes skim across this page so expect me to keep bangin' out these babies! Ugh, how do you exactly spell that? 'Babies' or 'baby's? Meh tell me in your review, that's if you do! _(Glares at readers.) _Ha ha ha ha ha, keep readin' guys & enjoy & please if I have any spelling errors, make mistakes or you think the chapter is just plain shit, tell me, I really do take into consideration other people's opinions, it helps me as a writer."**

**Disclaimer: "Don't own..._(sighs & jumps off a cliff) _When you think about it logically it saves anyone else having to push me off lol." ;D**

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**Chapter 21: "Shit Set Of Morals"**

_(A cloaked figure comes into Achilles hut, kneels before his feet and kisses both his hands.)_

Achilles: "Who are you?"

Priam: "I have endured what no one on earth has endured before. I kissed the hands of the man who killed my son."

Achilles: _(Gets up)_ "Priam?"

Priam: _(Nods)_

Achilles: _(Claps hands & jumps into the air)_ "Ha ha! Damit I knew it was you! I knew it couldn't have been a one off thing, Hector must've inherited his homosexuality for sure…"

Priam: "What?"

Achilles: "Nothing. How did you get in here?"

Priam: "I know my own country better than the Gay Greeks I think."

Achilles: "Wow, shit set of morals you set your son to grow up with dude."

Priam: "Meh, what can I say, it runs in the family."

Achilles: "No argument there. _(Goes over to Priam & picks him up by the shoulders_) "You're a brave man. I could have your head on a spit in the blink of an eye."

Priam: "Do you really think death frightens me now?"

Achilles: "No, but this will." _(Lifts up loin-cloth) _

Priam: "Sweet god of- oh my, what the fuck is- lord almighty!"

Achilles: "Well what can I say, the ladies love me."

Priam: "And the men too I hear."

Achilles: "What? How?"

Priam: _(Sighs)_ "Mobile phones, a thing of the future buddy."

Achilles: _(Slowly backing away)_ "You're really starting to freak me out old man."

Priam: "Yeah well you think that's bad, I watched my eldest son die, watched you drag his body behind your chariot. Now that's messed up! Do you know how messed up I'm gonna' be for the next ten years if I even live that long? I'm gonna have to get counseling and visit a physiatrist and-

Achilles: "Look dude, here's 40 cents, call someone who cares. What do you want here anyway?"

Priam: "Give him back to me. He deserves the honour of a proper burial you know that. Give him to me."

Achilles: "He killed my cousin asshole."

Priam: "He thought it was you-

Achilles: "Oh just cut the crap already! Geez everybody thinks they're the 'mighty' Achilles, everybody wants a piece of Achilles, everybody dyes and cuts their hair to match my hairstyle, everybody-

Priam: "Oh shut up! Did anybody ever tell you, you were full of yourself?"

Achilles: "No, they haven't actually."

Priam: "Well I am! How many cousins have you killed? How many sons and fathers and brothers and husbands? How many _"brave"_ Achilles? I knew your father. He died before his time. But he was lucky not to live long enough to see his son fall-

_(Priam rushes at Achilles drawing a knife from his robes. Achilles easily holds Priam's wrist in his hand.)_

Achilles: "Wanna' explain what just happened now?"

Priam: "Umm yeah, that, sorry about that, got caught up in the moment, grieving and what not. Getting back on track, you have taken everything from me. My eldest son, heir to my throne." _(Shimmies a little closer to Achilles who is now going teary-eyed)_ "Defender of my kingdom. I cannot change what happened, it is the will of the gods."

Achilles: "Man what is it with you and religion?"

_(A sudden squall violently shakes the hut.)_

Achilles: "Geez, ok ok ok, I get it already. _(Under breath)_ Damn gods…"

_(Wind picks up again and shakes the hut.)_

Achilles: "Ok alright I'm sorry."

Priam: _(Rolls eyes) _"But give me this small mercy. I loved my boy from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment you closed them. Let me wash his body-

Achilles: "You know dude, I'm gonna' tell you once, and once only. I am not into incest ok?"

Priam: "Bloody hell Achilles, I'm talking about a funeral for my son you moron!"

Achilles: _(Chuckles nervously)_ "I knew that. But!" (Gives Priam evil look) "If I let you walk out of here, if I let you take him, it doesn't change anything. You're still my enemy in the morning."

Priam: "Sun up to sun down does it bloody friggin' matter? Just give me my son already! You're still my enemy tonight but even enemies can show respect!"

Achilles: _(Gets up & walks away) _"I admire your courage. Meet me outside in a moment."

Priam: "Umm, yo dude, I'm really old and my hip could pop out of place anytime now so I don't think-

Achilles: "I'm getting your damn son you idiot! Man you Trojans are stupid."

(Walks out of tent. A moment later we see Achilles strapping Hector's body to his chariot. Priam watches him. Achilles approaches Priam.)

Achilles: "You're son was the best I've fought…and I'm sure he would've been the best I'd ever f….. _(trails off seeing Priam's disgusted and confused look.)_

Priam: _(Mutters under breath) _"And I thought I was the one who was gay…"

Achilles: _(Under breath)_ "You are." (In a louder voice) "In my country the funeral games last for 12 days."

Priam: "It is the same in my country."

Achilles: "Then the Prince will have that honour. No Greek will attack Troy for12 days. But on the 13th I cannot say what fate you shall face."

Priam: "Lord have mercy."

_(Briseis appears & runs to Priam. After they embrace she approaches Achilles & looks at him.)_

Achilles: "You are free. If I hurt you…its not what I wanted."

Briseis: "Aaah hello? Who's the one who introduced me to fluffy handcuffs?"

_(Achilles nervously chuckles, trying to avoid Priam searing & eye-widening glance.) _

Achilles: "Anyway here's a necklace, take good care of it coz' its Patroclus'. If you lose it, sell it or trade I'll come back and rape you."

_(Briseis looks repulsed.)_

Briseis: "Well isn't that what you were planning all along when you took me 'captive' Achilles?"

Achilles: "Yeah but then sex got in the way. There's a fine line between sex and rape."

Briseis: "Ummm ok."

Priam: "Come…_my_ girl."_ (Puts a little too much emphasis on the word 'girl'.)_

Eudorus: _(Whispering into Achilles ear.)_ "I told you they were into incest."

Achilles: _(Nodding.)_ "You're tellin' me." _(In louder voice.) _"You're a far better king than the one leading this army."

Priam: _(Coughs) _"Gay Greeks."_ (Rides off in chariot.)_

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_**Author/Banshee Queen: "Is it me, or have I become more needy in my need for reviews? I think its me...yep' it is me damit."**


	22. Chapter 22: One Last Try For Eudorus

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Woooooooooooot woooooo! Man I can't believe how fast I keep postin' up these chapters, its crazy! Thank you guys for the reviews, they really make my day & they really make me wanna' post up these chapters foryou quick as I can. He he he, this chapter is pretty funny, Priam acts like he's on his rags & Eudorus tries to make one final move on Achilles before he disappears forever from the screen. So let's farewell faithful, loving &- _(chokes)_ horny Eudorus who is always willing to please his- _(chokes again_) master. Damn that is nasty. **

**Oh & illigitimate luv child will understand the last bit of this chapter with the Trojan rider. Refering to a conversation we were having the other day." ;D**

**Disclaimer: "Homer owns Troy. There I said it."**

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**Chapter 22: One Last Try For Eudorus**

_(Scene changes to Agamemnon's tent showing all the kings of Greece gathered there.)_

Agamemnon: "Achilles makes a secret pact, and I have to honour it? What treason is this? Fuc- Aaah I mean consorting with the enemy king, giving him 12 days of peace, peace, piss!"

Nestor: "Did you just say piss?"

Agamemnon: "Aaah, no." _(In annoyed tone)_ "Their army is leaderless, they have no prince, this is the time to attack!"

Nestor: "Even with Hector gone…"_(Tear glistens in eye & runs down cheek) _"We have no way to breach their walls. _(Whispers under breath)_ "Stupid walls…"

Agamemnon: "I will smash their stupid walls to the ground if it costs me 40, damn thousand Greeks. Hear me Zeus! I will smash their walls to the ground!"

_(Deep voice comes out of nowhere, tent blows wildly.)_

Zeus: "I hear you loud and clear Agamemnon, what's your position?"

_(Greek kings all frown & slowly start to back out of the tent twiddling their thumbs & whistling all the while.)_

Zeus: _(Under breath)_ "Damn mortals…"

_(Scene changes to Odysseus sitting by a camp fire scratching his beard whilst deep in thought.) _

Soldier: _(Sees Odysseus looking at the toy horse he's carving but looks at Odysseus's beard since he was scratching it earlier on.)_ "Here use my razor." _(Hands razor over)_

Odysseus: "Thanks." _(Is about to use razor but then thinks up a brilliant idea.)_

_(Scene changes to the Greeks gathering planks of what looks like 'burnt wood' and chucking them in a large pile.)_

Agamemnon: "Well Odysseus, you've found a way to make the sheep invite the wolves to dinner."

Odyesseus: "Ummm yeah, cool."

_(Scene changes again & we see Achilles sit beside Eudorus.)_

Achilles: "Forgive me Eudorus. I should never have struck you. You've been a loyal friend all your life."

Eudorus: "I hope I never disappoint you again."

Achilles: "It's I who has been the disappointment."

Eudorus: "Damn straight you have been! Let's face the facts shall we? You've yelled at me, called me names, turned me down when I wanted to 'show' you certain parts of myself, made me massage your disgusting feet covered with toe-jam, poured hot scolding coffee all over me, called me some more names, told me to piss off, nearly choked me to death for your own therapeutic beneficiaries and now you expect me to forgive you after all that?"

Achilles: _(Looks at Eudorus with puppy dog-eyes)_

Eudorus: _(Heart melts)_ "Awww come here you!" _(Leans in to hug Achilles)_

Achilles: _(Pushes Eudorus away)_ "Dude no! I'm still your Lord you know!"

Eudorus: _(Mumbles, clearly embarrassed.)_ "Oh yeah, right."

Achilles: _(Eyeing Eudorus warily)_ "Rouse the men-

Eudorus: _(Jumps up with excited look on his face.) _"Yes sir!"

Achilles: "I'm not finished yet. You're taking them home."

Eudorus: _(Stops victory dance)_ "What?"

Achilles: "You heard me."

Eudorus: _(Pouts)_ "Awww dang. Well aren't you coming with us?"

Achilles: "I have my own battle to fight- _(cough Briseis cough.)_

Eudorus: "Let me march beside you."

Achilles: "No, I don't want our child- I mean men to be apart of this."

_(Long silence prevails)_

Achilles: _(Looking up at night sky.) _"It's a beautiful night."

Eudorus: "Yes it is." _(Shimmies closer to Achilles.)_

Achilles: _(Looks down & sees Eudorus cupping his chin, his lips just about to touch his…) _"WHAT THE FUCK!" _(Jumps up.)_

Eudorus: "Well when you said it was a beautiful night I thought you meant for me to finally make a move on you when you were not either screwing Briseis or off killing Princes, geez."

Achilles: "Dude, I'll say it just once more except a little louder. I AM NOT GAY."

Eudorus: _(Harrumphs, crosses arms & looks the other way.)_ "That's not what you told me."

Achilles: "Wtf? What? How?"

Eudorus: _(Sighs) _"Mobile phones, a thing of the future buddy."

Achilles: "Holy shit stop sayin' that! I've heard that twice already, 1 from a dead man's lips & 2 from a soon-to-be dead man's lips & now you! My own second in command & friend!"

Eudorus: "Well couldn't we just be a little more than that?"

Achilles: "NO! Hell no! Where do you get these ideas from?"

Eudorus: "Well so-rry! I'm not the one sendin' out –come-and-get-it-while-its-hot signals now am I?"

Achilles: "Those were meant for Briseis you idiot."

Eudorus: "Oh…I…oh…" _(Trails off)_

Achilles: _(Shakes head)_ "Go Eudorus. This is the last order I give you." _(Leans in to Eudorus' face. Eudorus thinks this is gonna' be 'the pash' for sure. Puckers lips. Achilles sees & quickly kisses him on the head & runs off.)_

Eudorus: _(Standing up)_ "Fighting for you has been my life's honour my Lord."

Achilles: _(Nods & walks off)_

Eudorus: "Damit! One last try and he still didn't take the bait!"

_(Scene changes to Hector's pyre being lit. The camera focuses on all three royal woman. Helen, Andromache & Briseis. The two Trojan royals both weep, but it is Helen who presses Astyanx (Hector's son) closer to her breast as if to feed him. The baby pushes away at her chest.)_

Helen: "No? Oh alright."

Astyanx: _(Even though he's a baby by a miracle talks.)_ "Dude your tits aren't even real, the milk has gone sour and you've screwed my Uncle who's a wimp which means I'm sure you've got his sweat all over your disgusting rack so what makes you think I'll want to drink that 2 week old guck which you call 'breast fed milk'?"

Helen: _(Stares open-mouthed unable to even utter a single syllable.)_

Astynax: "Yeah I didn't think so."

_(Scene changes again to a peasant riding back into Troy. Scene changes yet again & we see the whole of the Trojan court; Priam, Paris, Glaucus, High Priest of Apollo & others looking about the beach of Troy. Dead corpses litter the beach and burnt pieces of wood.)_

Priam: "Plague."

Glaucus: "Don't get too close my king." _(Accidentally nudges Priam closer with his elbow.) _"Whoops, careful there my king."

Priam: _(Secretly motions for the guards to drag Glaucus away.)_

Archeptolemus: "They desecrated the temple of Apollo and Apollo desecrated their flesh."

Priam: "Gee ya' think Captain Obvious?" _(Rolls eyes) _

Glaucus: "They thought they'd come here and sack our city in a day. And look at them now, fleeing across the Aegean."

Priam: "What the hell? I thought I just had you taken away by the guards."

Glaucus: "Sorry dude but its compulsory for me to be here in this scene and any more we have in the rest of this God-forsaken movie."

_(Lighting abruptly flashes across the sky. Everyone ducks momentarily then straightens & frowns at Glaucus.)_

Glaucus: "Sorry, sorry."

Priam: _(Shakes head.)_ "Would somebody please like to tell me what the hell this is because even though it resembles somewhat that of a horse, along with my knee and hip going, I think my eyesight is too."

Archeptolemus: "An offering to Poseidon. The Greeks are praying for a safe return home."

Priam: "Again, thank-you Captain Obvious."

Archeptolemus: "As you wish my King."

Priam: "Alright that's it, off with his head." _(Motions to guards.)_

Archeptolemus: "What? But I'm the high priest of Apollo!"

Priam: "Yeah and I'm George Bush reincarnated buddy. Take him away to the gallows!"

Glaucus: "Gallows? Sire, we don't use gallows. We stone, shoot or stab our people."

Priam: "Wait a minute, what's this I hear? Somebody else wants to be fired as well?"

Glaucus: "No, but I-

Priam: "Take him away boys! To the gallows it is!"

Paris: "Father I-

Priam: "Did I hear something? Oh no matter, that was just my adopted son talking."

Paris: _(Cries.)_

Archeptolemus: "This is a gift. We should bring it to the temple of Poseidon."

Priam: "Wtf? I thought I just had you arrested."

Archeptolemus: "Hence Glaucus words before."

Priam: _(Grumbles.)_ "Whatever."

Paris: _(Scrubbing tears from his eyes.)_ "I think we should burn it."

Velior: "Burn it? My prince it's a gift to the gods."

Paris: "Mmm hmmm, like I'm Zeus' gift to woman?"

_(Trojan royalty, guards, and the priests all mumble and cough.)_

Paris: "What? So you don't think I am?"

_(Trojan royalty, guards, and the priests all look at each other and burst out laughing.)_

Archeptolemus: "Going back to the topic at hand," (barely able to contain his laughter) "I think we should take it into the city, regardless of whatever might be in the suspicious looking horse."

_(Trojan royal, guards and the priests look all look at Archeptolemus.)_

Glaucus: "Are you sure you're not Greek?"

Archeptolemus: "Yeah, I'll even prove it to you." _(Lifts up a tone of clothing & shows his family jewels to everyone.) _

Velior: "Mmm hmm, only a true Trojan citizen would have a wang like that."

_(A murmur of agreement sweeps through everybody as they nod they're heads in agreement.)_

Priam: "Then it is settled…we are taking the suspicious looking horse into Troy."

Paris: _(Shocked.)_ "Father, burn it."

Priam: _(Rounding on Paris.) _"Well do you have a wang as big as Archeptolemus' to prove your worthy of being a true Trojan?"

Paris: _(Mumbles & blushes.)_

Priam: "Yeah, didn't think so."

_(Scene changes & we see the 'Suspicious Looking Horse' being dragged into Troy with ropes attached to it & logs rolling it along underneath it. People are dancing, cheering, laughing everywhere etc. We see Paris sitting on a balcony with Helen sitting next to him.)_

Paris: "Look at them, you'd think their prince had never died."

Helen: "You are their prince now. Make your brother proud."

Paris: "I very much doubt that."

Helen: "Yeah, so do I." _(Drinks whiskey to 'dull' her pain.)_

_(Scene changes yet again & we see a Trojan rider heading towards a set of cliffs. He hears shouting the nearer he gets to the cliffs.)_

Grecian Army: _(Though the Trojan rider doesn't know it.) _"181, 181, 181, 181…"

_(Counting gets louder as the Trojan rider gets closer. He sees the ships down below & goes to ride off, but not before he gets hit in the chest with 3 arrows and lands on the ground dead.)_

Grecian Army: "182! 182!"

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**Author/Banshee Queen: "How'd you like that?"**


	23. Chapter 23: Bitches & Whores

**Author/Banshee Queen: "Whoa...long time since I last posted. Newayz the excuse this time for not posting in a long time is because I had heaps of assessment that had to be "rushed" at the last moment & then the holidays stamped their foot down on my face & I went away for a couple of days. So that's the excuse. Lol. After this chappie there should be one or two more until I finish this thing, wow I can't believe that, that's kinda' scary. _(Trembles & looks about self warily). _Anyway here's 23, hope you enjoy, he he he, alot of "mature audience" theme in this chappie so look away & close your eyes if you're scared of kissing & more than that..." _(Grins evilly)_**

**Disclaimer: "Don't own Troy etcetera, etcetera."**

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**Chapter 23: Bitches & Whores**

_(Scene changes & we see the 'Suspicious Looking Horse' falling apart as the Grecian soldiers inside climbing out and sliding down ropes to the ground. They run to the gates of Troy killing sleeping guards along the way. Odysseus looks up to one of the towers and gets piss in his eye. A lone soldier up the top of the tower is taking a leak. Odysseus grabs a bow out of nowhere and shoots the solider dead. Another solider waves a lit torch to the plains outside of Troy. The Greek army moves ahead as the gates of Troy are opened. Once inside the city, they start killing innocent civilians and burning the city. Agamemnon stands in the middle of the burning city with his head titled back and his arms spread wide.)_

Agamemnon: "Burn Troy! Burn it all! Let Troy burn! Burn you humongous-wanged Trojans!" _(Takes puff of cigarette & coughs.)_

Nestor: _(Coming up next to him.) _"Dude, you gotta' lay off that stuff its gonna' kill ya."

Agamemnon: _(Looks at Nestor.) _"Burn Nestor! Burn Nestor!" _(Nearby soldiers drag Nestor away and chuck him in the fires of Troy.)_

_**(Scene changes & we see Paris grabbing a bow & a quiver filled with arrows. Helen watches him.)**_

Helen: "What are you going to do with those?"

Paris: "Use them of course you dumb-blonde."

Helen: _(Places hands on hips.)_ "Do you even know how to _use_ a bow Paris?"

Paris: _(Mumbles)_ "I…saw it done on the discovery channel once."

Helen: (Rolls her eyes then mutters under her breath.) "And this is who I left Menelaus for…"

_(Andromache enters the room with Astynax in her arms.)_

Andromache: "We have to run!"

_(Sighs when she sees Paris & Helen making out, only a moment ago insulting each other.)_

Paris: "What? Why?"

Andromache: "The city is burning you dickhead!"

Paris: "Yeah here's 40 cents go tell someone who cares."

Andromache: _(Yanks Helen out of the room.)_

Paris: "Hey wait for me! Maybe Hector was right, I'm just a selfish little prick with a tiny little dick. Meh, too late to change now." _(Runs after them.)_

(Andromache stops outside the door where Hector showed her.)

Andromache: "Boy, do I ever know how to get here! Hector would be so proud!"

_(Trojan civilians & Helen look at Andromache.)_

Andromache: "Never mind, it's a long way so get running!"

_(Trojan civilians obey. Paris stands outside the door holding his…bow.)_

Paris: "I stay."

Helen: "Geez make up your mind hun, you're staying, you're going, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Paris: "Screw me?" _(Looks hopeful.)_

Helen: "Good idea."_ (Paris & Helen screw on the spot right then & there.)_

Paris: _(In between screwing.)_ "My father will never abandon the city."

Helen: "Ewwww visual!" _(Clamps up…if you know what I mean.) _"Paris the city is dead. They're burning it to the ground."

_(Paris looks at some of the civilians & sees a boy supporting his elderly father.)_

Paris: "What's your name?"

Aeneas: "Anus."

Paris: _(Points & laughs at boy.)_ "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What kind of weed was yo' mamma on then when she gave you that name?"

Aeneas: "Uh, I don't-

Paris: "Never mind…Anus!" _(Cracks up again clutching his stomach.) _"Do you know how to use a sword?"

Aeneas: "Better than you can use that 'bow' I'm sure."

Paris: _(Mumbles & pulls out sword of Troy.)_ "The sword of Troy. As long as its in a Trojan's hand, our people have a future. Protect them…Anus. Find them a new home…Anus." _(Doubles over laughing again while Anus rolls his eyes & walks off.)_

Andromache: "Paris, Paris, Briseis wasn't in her room."

Paris: "I'll find her…and then-

Helen: "And then what?"

Paris: "Uh nothing."

Andromache: "You know Paris, you're starting to look like Hector more and more everyday…"

Helen: "I knew this family was into incest! I just knew it!"

Andromache: "Shut up bitch!"

Helen: "Make me!"

Andromache: "Oh yeah?" _(Slaps Helen across the face leaving a red handprint.)_

Helen: "You're askin' for it now whore!"

Andromache: "Who you callin' whore?"

Helen: "You!"

Andromache: "Try looking in a mirror sometime!"

Helen: _(Knees Andromache in the gut.)_

Paris: "Ladies, ladies, there's enough of Paris to go around for everybody."

_(Helen & Andromache stop trying to pull each others hair out & look at Paris. Both look at each other & start laughing.)_

Helen: "As if!"

Andromache: "Yeah right! You're not even half the man that Hector was!"

Paris: "Umm excuse me Helen, but weren't you the one screwing me like 5 minutes ago?"

Helen: _(Blushes & mumbles under her breath.)_

Andromache: "Told you she was a whore."

Helen: "No, that was me telling you that _you_ were a whore!"

Andromache: "Whatever…whore, just get outta' my face." _(Palms Helen then goes through doorway.) _"Just remember little miss sloppy-seconds, I'll be seein' you in hell."

Helen: _(Gasps & starts to cry.)_

Andromache: "Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" _(Disappears in doorway.)_

Helen: "I'll stay with you."

Paris: "Go."

Helen: "Oh, so now you're rejecting me _and_ sex? This a first."

Paris: "No its not that, its just how could you love me if I ran now? Anyways I've gotta' find Briseis."

Helen: "It's another woman! It's always another woman! Geez Paris, and no less its your cousin? I can't believe I left Menelaus for you."

Paris: "We will be together again, in this world or the next, we will be together."

Helen: "Oh so now you're pushing me away again are you? Well that's just great, that's just perfect."

Paris: "Would you shut up and kiss me already for old time's sake?"

Helen: "Ok." _(Paris & Helen pash madly before Paris breaks the kiss.)_

Paris: "Go."

_(Helen looks at him one last time before running off after Andromache.)_

Paris: _(Quietly.)_ "Sucker." _(Runs off to find Briseis.)_

_

* * *

_**Author/Banshee Queen: "He he he, told you to look away didn't I?"**


End file.
